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2 years ago The Second Stories.
Darkness into Light Despite growing up in a family of 4 children, loneliness was an emotion that I often felt from a young age. My parents’ relationship was rocky as I grew up, and as the eldest of 4 children, I often felt the need to be strong for both my parents and my three younger siblings. In school, I struggled to forge close friendships with my peers due to some encounters with bullies that left me feeling excluded. When I did make friends, these friendships never lasted very long. Instead, I often felt like the single outsider within my group of friends. These incidents made me feel misunderstood, and I could not find anyone to turn to when I was struggling. The loneliness that I felt was exacerbated by my childhood struggle with trichotillomania, an obsessive-compulsive hair-pulling disorder that left me half-bald and too ashamed to face the world.
As a result of these experiences, I began to internalise the lie that I was abandoned and all alone in the world, with nobody to depend on. I thought of myself as being the ‘common problem’ in all of my faded friendships, and began to subscribe the lie that I was worthless, and that people were better off without me. To save myself from being hurt by others, I began to close myself off from the world around me. However, in choosing to retreat and hide in my own darkness of self-condemnation and self-pity, I inevitably also shut God out from my life. God became a mere distant, apathetic figure in my life – yet another person that I could not truly depend on. This eventually led me down a spiral of depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts as I lost sight of the value and purpose of my own life.
By the grace of God, I said ‘yes’ to attending the School of Witness (SOW) 2018 after completing Junior College. Through sessions, prayer ministry, and 1-1 journeying in the school, I encountered God’s overwhelming and unceasing love for me for the very first time. I learnt how to reject the lies of abandonment and worthlessness that the evil one was trying to feed me, and instead came to encounter a God who always sees me and hears me, who loves me for all my brokenness and imperfections. I was encountering for the first time the perfect Father and perfect Lover, who had chosen to adopt me to be His child; a child of light. At one of the lowest points in my life, the grace of God pierced through the darkness that dominated my skies. My Father had never once abandoned me; instead, He moved mountains to save me. My encounter with Christ at the SOW opened my eyes to the deep and beautiful significance of my life, and softened my hardened heart to receive love not just from Him, but from the brothers and sisters in Christ He had surrounded me with. I had my first taste of the ‘fullness of life’ that Jesus offers, and my heart was set ablaze with a desire for more of Him.
Little did I know it then, but SOW18 was just the beginning of a beautiful story that Jesus has been writing in my life. Over the past 3 years, Jesus has continuously challenged me to deepen my faith in Him, and increase my confidence in my identity as His child. Through the call to step into leadership in my university community, NTU Catholic Students Apostolate, I have learnt to purify my heart of the need to prove myself and earn my worth before the eyes of God. He reminds me that I do not need to earn His favour. He has been restoring my distorted image of God as a distant Father, by reminding me that even in my unfaithfulness and weakness, He sees me, hears me, and welcomes me as I am.
Through the difficulties of university life, the Father has been my comfort and my solace; He slowly strips me of the fear of depending on anyone other than myself by proving time and again that He is a God who can be trusted to take care of me in all things, be it academics, relationships, family, or my future. By turning more and more to the Lord, I am prevented from spiralling down into a pit of self-pity and condemnation. Instead, I allow myself to be seen, heard, and comforted by the greatest Lover of my soul.
In his letter to the Ephesians, St Paul writes “For once you were darkness, but now in the Lord you are light. Live as children of light,” (Eph 5:9). This is the exhortation that continues to challenge me to live for more, particularly when I am tempted to give up and remain in the familiar comfort of an aimless life of self-pity. While there are times where I still struggle to step out of the darkness and into light, I have a Father who will never abandon me. I am not alone. He is the One whom I can count on to chase me down, fight till I am found, and bring me home once more to Him. Brothers and sisters, we are not orphans; we are children of the most High. Will you join me in running to our Father to live in fullness and light?
Caitlyn Ang
The First Story.
To love and to be loved Last year, I failed a clinical internship for my dream job when my persistent low mood and thoughts impacted my work performance. This was a final blow for me, following a series of other difficult life events within a few months. It felt like everything that could have gone wrong, did go wrong.
I felt very lost.
I didn’t know whom I could trust. I didn’t find my family supportive – I was constantly criticised for anything I did or said, and felt that I was to blame for everything that went wrong in my life. I was always second-guessing my perspectives and experiences, and cautious of voicing out any opinion that was different from theirs. The premature end of my internship on “medical grounds” of my mental health only amplified the self-critical thoughts in my mind – that nothing I did was right or ever enough.
I used to be a source of support and encouragement for my friends – the high-achieving social butterfly in university who seemed to have it altogether, until depression stole my relationships and physical health by feeding my mind lies about myself. I desperately wanted to disappear and pushed friends away, sometimes literally. I knew that my friends were hurt by my withdrawal and rejection of their hugs, but at the time I felt my actions were justified because I saw myself as a bad person that my friends didn’t deserve to have as part of their lives.
It was a time when shame felt tangible, and I truly believed that I was a contamination to people’s lives, no matter how much kindness and encouragement I tried to give. It was like I was bad and deserved to be punished or destroyed rather than be given a future and a second chance, so I made plans to end my life.
The turning point came when I began opening up to people, accepting help and taking baby steps in trusting that not everyone has a hidden agenda to reject me. For me, trust is still a work in progress even up to today.
Psychotherapy and antidepressants were helpful in starting my recovery and in recognising and navigating abusive relationships, but most of my recovery was made possible with the support of a small handful of amazing friends that I trust.
They frequently went out of their way to look out for me, listened to me, pointed out triggers and nudged me to challenge unhelpful habits when I struggled with lapses. They embodied love that did not depend on what I did, and Christian friends would pray and read the Bible along with me.
I used to live in fear – of opening up and of being myself, because it meant being hurt. But I began healing through relationships where I felt safe and was held accountable in non-judgmental ways.
I found freedom from living in fear by getting to know God on a personal level. It is a connection built on a kind of love that is unconditional, and reflected in truths written in the Bible, and these have shaped how I see others and myself.
I dream of being a person whom everyone will remember as someone who is trustworthy, whom they feel comfortable being themselves around. I hope to make a positive difference to other people’s lives, especially those who face disadvantages.
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. You are a light for simply being you, even if you don’t feel worthy of being loved. You are made to be loved and to love others. There is so much you can bring to the world around you when you simply show up as yourself and open up.
Originally published on Celebrating Courageous lives.