I grew up in a modest and large family, so we often couldn't afford many things.
I remember how in childhood other children always had better toys, and in adolescence, they had better clothes and gadgets, they traveled with their parents. I saw that they could afford more than I could.
I started to envy, and my feelings were so strong that a psychological defense mechanism kicked in. I began to devalue everything I couldn't have.
I developed a worldview that all of that was not for me. I didn't need any of it; I could live perfectly fine without it. Even though deep down, I longed for all those things. It happened that many things simply ceased to exist for me. Everything that was expensive to me didn't exist. I didn't even think about the possibility of obtaining expensive items; I didn't dream about them, fearing to enter an expensive store or see price tags in clothing stores.
It's as if there was a filter in my mind that filtered out everything expensive and inaccessible. As a result, I had no material desires left. I didn't know what I wanted; I didn't need anything. I had blocked myself from the ability to desire, just so I wouldn't feel the pain every time something was out of reach.
Now I have the opportunity to get what I want, but my devaluation mechanism is still at work. I realized that I'm still trying to cope with it. I'm afraid to choose something better and more expensive; I want to save on everything. I'm still afraid of the word "expensive," and I'm still afraid of price tags in stores. I'm afraid to want more. I think from a perspective of scarcity rather than abundance.
Recently, I realized this and asked myself the question: "If all of this is not for you, then for whom is it?" For whom does this beautiful world with its immense possibilities exist?
I understood that all of this exists for me. I chose to take the best from life. To overcome my fear and devaluation. May this serve as my growth point.
I grew up in a modest and large family, so we often couldn't afford many things.
I remember how in childhood other children always had better toys, and in adolescence, they had better clothes and gadgets, they traveled with their parents. I saw that they could afford more than I could.
I started to envy, and my feelings were so strong that a psychological defense mechanism kicked in. I began to devalue everything I couldn't have.
I developed a worldview that all of that was not for me. I didn't need any of it; I could live perfectly fine without it. Even though deep down, I longed for all those things. It happened that many things simply ceased to exist for me. Everything that was expensive to me didn't exist. I didn't even think about the possibility of obtaining expensive items; I didn't dream about them, fearing to enter an expensive store or see price tags in clothing stores.
It's as if there was a filter in my mind that filtered out everything expensive and inaccessible. As a result, I had no material desires left. I didn't know what I wanted; I didn't need anything. I had blocked myself from the ability to desire, just so I wouldn't feel the pain every time something was out of reach.
Now I have the opportunity to get what I want, but my devaluation mechanism is still at work. I realized that I'm still trying to cope with it. I'm afraid to choose something better and more expensive; I want to save on everything. I'm still afraid of the word "expensive," and I'm still afraid of price tags in stores. I'm afraid to want more. I think from a perspective of scarcity rather than abundance.
Recently, I realized this and asked myself the question: "If all of this is not for you, then for whom is it?" For whom does this beautiful world with its immense possibilities exist?
I understood that all of this exists for me. I chose to take the best from life. To overcome my fear and devaluation. May this serve as my growth point.