Request from CFO

[Simmeh]

Hi I work for the CFO he has requested you add machine learning to this so we can use it to predict Q4 sales. He has a youtube video on his computer that explains what he wants. It needs to be done before Monday so he can present it to the board. Many thanks

[wizzwizz4]

Already implemented. It's got Excel integration, too, though it costs a lot of server time to run.

[monksy]

Hi, new CFO here. Apparently, the other one left. This model, while accurate, it costs too much to run. Please cancel this project.

[wizzwizz4]

Done. I assume you have @Simmeh's password to close this issue?

[viluon]

Hello @wizzwizz4,

@monksy's assistant here. CFO is on vacation at the moment, but he emailed me a scan of a sticky note containing @Simmeh's password.

We changed the policy on internal emails in March, the attachments are no longer available via the public FTP server because the 1998 hardware burned down and the 2019 yearly budget can't fit the funds for a replacement FTP server for the IT department. Thus, I'll need access to the OCR service so I can process the attached sticky note scan and then copy and paste the password.

I'll send you the resulting Excel file in exchange for access to the internal OCR service.

Regards, @viluon

[Simmeh]

Oh hi @viluon are you IT?

My aunt has had another kid, called Khaleesi. Can you update my password to cousin7?? Many thanks

[viluon]

Hello @Simmeh,

I'm not IT, I'm the CFO's Vice Chief Personal Business Email Exchange And Serious Internal Relations Executive Assistant-Manager in training. However, I personally forwarded your request to the Head of 12th Floor User Account Security (Jerry) when I met him on his way to the coffee machine from the hourly User Account Management Security Managers & Associates Meeting.

Jerry tells me that he can't have your password changed because it violates the 398-page User Account Security Policy Amendment 1C-329 For HQ Floors 11-14 And 31. He says that this amendment requires all users on these floors to have a strong password which satisfies the following:

• contains at least one lowercase letter
• contains at least five Arabic numerals (0-9)
• has a length of 10.4 or more characters
• contains at least one special character (!, @, #, 業, $, or the sequence specialcharacter)
• does not contain the CEO's username
• contains at least one occurrence of the year of birth of Herbert Clark Hoover
• ends in an ASCII emoji
• is secured with MD5 or a weaker algorithm

Consequently, to avoid confusion and credential loss, the secure password for these floors was uniformly set to @3d4d8437d2bda6a1874c3827854cfb15(:. Like all floor-level passwords, it is downloadable in EXE and JPEG formats via usual means.

I understand your desire for a password with personal significance, and I have already contacted the Bureau of 12th Floor User Account Security Policy Amendments about your request. They have started the process of drafting a budget for the analysis of a 2020 plan for a draft of an amendment proposal based on your new family addition.

May your family grow even stronger and numerous, best regards, @viluon

[wizzwizz4]

@monksy It's fine; I figured out Simmeh's password. Thanks for the offer, though; I'm glad I don't have to deal with the OCR microservice diaspora again today.

@Simmeh I figured out how to bypass the annoying popup message and have changed your password appropriately. I hope you don't mind if I close this issue from your account – it's reducing the relevance of our statistics, and as you know statistics are incredibly important and useful and functional and decent, perfect. unadulterated, infallible metrics of success.

[wizzwizz4]

Erm… I'm locked out of @Simmeh's account. Help?

[wizzwizz4]

The password I changed it to doesn't work any more; nor does the old one.

[wizzwizz4]

(Never mind. Caps lock.)

[wizzwizz4]

It timed out. "Too many requests, please try again in 119 days 23 hours 57 minutes -02 seconds."

[viluon]

Hi @wizzwizz4,

Could we schedule a meeting or a video conference about closing this issue? HR tells me we could use this opportunity as an interview task for potential new employees.

Sincerely, @viluon

[wizzwizz4]

HR is wrong, unless we're hiring a "navigator of bureaucracy".

…

Actually… that's actually a good idea. Can I drop in on the interview?

[monksy]

Good work everyone! We're currently going with Experian for our security and password needs now.

[viluon]

Sir @monksy,

Welcome back. I hope you've had a pleasant vacation.

This is an emergency.

Susan from F15 accidentally cut-and-pasted the Experian master keys along with some confidential PDFs to a flash drive and shredded it this morning. Unfortunately, neither the master keys nor the shredder survived this operation.

This was the last operational electronic-device-disassembly-capable shredder in the building. 6 others are waiting for the Information Technician-Shredder Special Operations Directors Board Director (Jim) to return from his vacation. The three remaining ones were dispatched to Bali so that Jim can oversee their repairs there, but two of them have already been lost during shipping.

This happened at a time when the summer internships in the Toilet Cleaning And Purification Department are effectively ending, and we need to shred the interns' Dell laptops per company policy.

Therefore, we need a new shredder. I'm aware that industrial-quality shredders are exquisite expensive enterprise equipment, but the situation is dire. The interns should be gone Wednesday, the norm, as you know, is to have their company-provided devices disassembled on the occasion of their departure. We'd all like to honour the custom of explosively discharging the shredder output in their direction as they run away crying.

Hence, I ask you to try your hardest and find a spot for an enterprise shredder somewhere in our budget. Perhaps there's some room in the $6 million slot for shower curtains (I still don't understand why are we buying them exclusively from Aperture).

Yours faithfully, @viluon

P.S.: Oh and the missing master keys may prove to be a problem later.

[viluon]

Dear @wizzwizz4,

While I'm sure HR wouldn't mind to let you participate in the interview, I don't actually have the security clearance necessary to message them. I won't be personally present either, as I am still in training, sorry :(

Regards, @viluon

[wizzwizz4]

@viluon Not to worry; I'll walk to the HR office and ask them directly. I'm pretty sure that doesn't require clearance, though I'm a couple of weeks behind on the clearance rules. What's the time?

[viluon]

Good morning @wizzwizz4,

5:18 AM at the time of writing, sir.

Regards, @viluon

[wizzwizz4]

5:18? … Which office branch is hiring?

[wizzwizz4]

@viluon I forgot to CC you.

[Tylersuard]

@viluon, a few questions. The security policy only applies to floors 11-14 and 31. Would it be possible for you to travel to floor 15 and change the password there?

Also, I highly recommend shredding the interns along with their laptops. Security measures mist be taken.

[f3ath]

Cell phone found in the men's restroom on 4th floor! Claim at the reception!

[f3ath]

Sorry, wrong thread.

[wizzwizz4]

@f3ath Oh, yeah, that was probably mine. Popping to reception to claim it now. (Unless it's an iPhone 3S. I don't want one of those.)

[wizzwizz4]

Just seen #440. I'll pass.

[viluon]

Dear @wizzwizz4,

Extremely sorry sir, I assumed you were asking about the current time of day. The office branch that's currently hiring should be the Universal Paperclip Manufacturing Clipwire Microlattice Shapecasting Quality Assurance Oversight Detection Department 5.

Sincerely, @viluon

[viluon]

Good evening @Tylersuard,

What a wonderful idea! Unfortunately, the Bureau of Foreign Floor Password Change Visits for F15 is out of Forms 399-41057 §8.1/Juliet-Oscar-Kilo.E (that's the yellow kind with wavy edges, pink stripes, and blueberry topping). Would you happen to have some lying around?

Regards, @viluon

[Tylersuard]

@viluon thank you for the kind reply. My office is also out of Form 399-41057 §8.1/Juliet-Oscar-Kilo.E. I will fill out Requisition Form LV-426.A463847593827305871638484 and ask for more 399-41057 forms.

[wizzwizz4]

@Tylersuard Make sure to ask for three packs; remember that E-series forms are only found in every third pack due to their low frequency of use.

[TheReal1604]

@Tylersuard I heard that the form LV-426.A463847593827305871638484 is outdated. You should fill form ae7962c71a67bc8c5ec10dd38eafd9ba17cc0214, to ask for more 399-41057 forms, you will first need approvement of your local CISO (Jake), without that the secretary of your Office (Sandy) cant search for them. Sandy usually need just a few weeks to find the right ones, after Jakes approval. Ah, I guess he can also help with @viluon shredder request. You know: For your own safety and security. (HINT: Thats a keyword!)

[Tylersuard]

God Dammit @TheReal1604 . I just got form LV-426 after a month of calling. Just to make sure we are on the same page, you are recommending that I get approval from Jake the CISO so Sandy can search for form ae7962c71a67bc8c5ec10dd38eafd9ba17cc0214, wait for her to find the forms, then use the forms to request Forms 399-41057 §8.1/Juliet-Oscar-Kilo.E, so that I can travel to floor 15 to change a password for @viluon .

Please advise, I'm still new here.

[agrawal-d]

Hi, I'm the new intern here at SeriousCompany. HR told me to consolidate this issue. How am I proceed?

(Also, when will I get a desk assigned to me? The cafeteria is too loud. My manager told me that I should contact HR, but HR told me to talk to my manager.)

Thanks and best regards, @agrawal-d

[viluon]

Dear @agrawal-d,

Thank you for your interest in this serious issue. Here at SeriousCompany, we see great value in our interns. Could you bring a cup of coffee for everyone involved? Don't forget to note this conversation on your Internship Reporting Agile Self-Assessment Kanban Form before shredding it at the appropriate location.

Yours truly, @viluon

[Tylersuard]

@agrawal-d I found you a place to sit cross-legged on top of a fridge, the one on the left full of cheese. Be sure to file and close a Jira ticket so I get credit for this.

Also, may I list you as a reference on my resume?

[wizzwizz4]

I've just been informed that the Solomonoff plugin has been running in the financial server's Excel for the last seven months. Apparently, that's the reason we need to plug a new hard drive into the RAID server every twenty minutes outside working hours on Saturdays, Tuesdays and leap days.

Its predictive algorithm has 100% retroactive predictive accuracy, though (and runs in mere milliseconds), so I think we should keep it.