How lovely that we are having at least a political moment where Joy has been designated as the official mood of the election season. Depending on the many variables directing events in the political arena, our personal joy meter might reach a high point in early November.
We each know what brings us joy, even if it is an emotional state that is challenging to describe. What comes to mind when I ask, “What brings you joy?” It might be an experience, a relationship, or a certain stage in your life. There might be a unique event filed in your memory of “unbridled joy”. These days unbridled joy is especially difficult to come by. With all that's going on in the world, greeting us each day through our newspapers and devices, we are hardly primed to feel joy. On the personal level, when something has gone particularly well for us, when we’re successful at something and feeling pretty good about things, we are often quick to tamp down that joyful feeling. We have learned that joy is ephemeral. We may feel (even if not believed) sinful when we experience too much joy knowing that others are suffering. It is hard to hold together the feeling and the thought. So, we tend to keep our joy to ourselves, to tamp it down and bridle it. We are more likely to be able to respond to the joy we witness in others if we are not too “tamped and bridled “within ourselves. Then we can appreciate joy in others. We can enjoy the pleasure of being in the orbit of people who are joyful. Joy is contagious. It can be experienced vicariously, and it can be shared.
In my previous post (The Kindness of Strangers) I wrote of the mutual interdependence that can occur when we must count on others to meet our needs. This interdependence is healthy and adaptive when it meets their needs, too. It is bidirectional.
This healthy bidirectionality is also true for joy in our lives. I believe that joy is a need. But it is hard to hold onto this especially when there are more primary needs that are unmet. At some preconscious level we struggle to reconcile a joyful interlude with a state of misery. Just when we most need a little break, we wrestle with whether it is okay to laugh when we hurt or even grieve. And when we feel joy, we struggle with whether it is okay to show our joy when the other person is feeling down.
A personal experience comes to mind that speaks to this. There was a time when I was going through a rough patch with a serious medical issue. I was pretty much housebound, unable to get out and have fun or even attend to the more creative aspects of my work. A friend of mine decided that I needed a little dose of BFF socialization, that we should have a dinner date at my place, and that she would bring the dinner. She had recently returned from a trip to Italy with her husband to celebrate a “big anniversary.”
Along with the dinner, my friend brought photographs and her travel journal. She was eager to share some of the events she experienced and some funny, quirky travel experiences. We were laughing together when suddenly she stopped and turned serious. She said she felt bad that she was talking about having had such a good time on the trip while I was going through going through tough stuff; it felt awkward and strange. Maybe it was inappropriate. I responded that I felt happier listening to her adventures than I’ve felt in a while. In fact, her joyful recounting of the trip recalled a great trip I once took to Italy. And then that prompted a memory of a funny, quirky travel experience, and we laughed again. Joy shared, and a perfect example of vicarious joy.
This natural bidirectionality of joy might be especially relevant in older age, when the frequency and range of personal experiences of joy, for many reasons, become limited. It makes intuitive sense to buddy up with others and pool the inventory. It helps avoid loneliness, too. From the joy sharer’s side, it provides an opportunity to meet the need for joy of another person who may be joy-depleted at this time. And from the other side, there is the opportunity to lean in and get a boost from another’s joy. We know well that an authentic smile makes us smile, and that a laugh makes us laugh. Why not share both? As my grandmother would say: “It doesn’t cost extra.”
I wish I were even a little bit of an artist, but I am not. So, please try to visualize what I would draw for you if I could draw.
I would draw people gathered on both sides of a fence (Not a high fence, and not a “stay away” fence, but a welcoming fence.) And on each side of the fence, there would be many, many emojis floating over to the other side. They would be all sorts of joyful and humorous emojis; hearts and flowers and funny, silly, laughing faces tumbling in both directions over the fence. And the sky would be blue, and there would be big, fluffy clouds. Can you see this with me? Can you see my drawing of vicarious joy and shared joy?
ACTIVITY
Connect with a friend (Does not need to be a “close friend” In fact this gets a bit closer.)
Set a “meeting”. In- person is best for connections (It always is), but zooms are good, too, and FaceTime. Phone chats are okay if that’s the only option.
Tell the friend that you read this blog, and this was a suggested activity to try.
Here ‘s how it goes.
Each of you, in advance of the “meeting,” will think about the most joyful experiences in your adult life. (Transparent psychologist’s technique here.) When you recall these, you’ll get a joy boost. A few nostalgia tears do not negate the benefit of the boost.
Now choose one to share.
Each of you will have five minutes to describe and talk about the joy event, and then the friend can ask for more information.
Then each of you will talk about how you felt Sharing Your Joy.
Then each of you will talk about how you felt Hearing about Another’s Joy.
ADDITIONAL ACTIVITY
If you enjoy drawing, I’d love to see a sketch you made of my “visualized” one. So please send it along!
Post # 27 Joy: Vicarious and Shared
Suggested image: https://unsplash.com/photos/a-group-of-people-standing-around-each-other-R_jWv5XkjYo
How lovely that we are having at least a political moment where Joy has been designated as the official mood of the election season. Depending on the many variables directing events in the political arena, our personal joy meter might reach a high point in early November.
We each know what brings us joy, even if it is an emotional state that is challenging to describe. What comes to mind when I ask, “What brings you joy?” It might be an experience, a relationship, or a certain stage in your life. There might be a unique event filed in your memory of “unbridled joy”. These days unbridled joy is especially difficult to come by. With all that's going on in the world, greeting us each day through our newspapers and devices, we are hardly primed to feel joy. On the personal level, when something has gone particularly well for us, when we’re successful at something and feeling pretty good about things, we are often quick to tamp down that joyful feeling. We have learned that joy is ephemeral. We may feel (even if not believed) sinful when we experience too much joy knowing that others are suffering. It is hard to hold together the feeling and the thought. So, we tend to keep our joy to ourselves, to tamp it down and bridle it. We are more likely to be able to respond to the joy we witness in others if we are not too “tamped and bridled “within ourselves. Then we can appreciate joy in others. We can enjoy the pleasure of being in the orbit of people who are joyful. Joy is contagious. It can be experienced vicariously, and it can be shared.
A personal experience comes to mind that speaks to this. There was a time when I was going through a rough patch with a serious medical issue. I was pretty much housebound, unable to get out and have fun or even attend to the more creative aspects of my work. A friend of mine decided that I needed a little dose of BFF socialization, that we should have a dinner date at my place, and that she would bring the dinner. She had recently returned from a trip to Italy with her husband to celebrate a “big anniversary.”
I would draw people gathered on both sides of a fence (Not a high fence, and not a “stay away” fence, but a welcoming fence.) And on each side of the fence, there would be many, many emojis floating over to the other side. They would be all sorts of joyful and humorous emojis; hearts and flowers and funny, silly, laughing faces tumbling in both directions over the fence. And the sky would be blue, and there would be big, fluffy clouds. Can you see this with me? Can you see my drawing of vicarious joy and shared joy?
ACTIVITY
Connect with a friend (Does not need to be a “close friend” In fact this gets a bit closer.)
Set a “meeting”. In- person is best for connections (It always is), but zooms are good, too, and FaceTime. Phone chats are okay if that’s the only option.
Tell the friend that you read this blog, and this was a suggested activity to try.
Here ‘s how it goes.
Each of you, in advance of the “meeting,” will think about the most joyful experiences in your adult life. (Transparent psychologist’s technique here.) When you recall these, you’ll get a joy boost. A few nostalgia tears do not negate the benefit of the boost.
Now choose one to share.
Each of you will have five minutes to describe and talk about the joy event, and then the friend can ask for more information.
Then each of you will talk about how you felt Sharing Your Joy.
Then each of you will talk about how you felt Hearing about Another’s Joy.
ADDITIONAL ACTIVITY
If you enjoy drawing, I’d love to see a sketch you made of my “visualized” one. So please send it along!
DrR