Editorial Feedback - FPKIMA

[sarahdobson]

General Comments

1. Recognizing the desire to minimize the use of passive voice, not sure that the use of imperative tense is better, as it makes the text read that the reader is being ordered to take actions.
2. Overall the site is very terse. If this site is meant to be the “go-to” location for agencies to support their FICAM implementation efforts, providing more descriptive text would be helpful. Terms are given five or six word descriptions and then tied to key words that don’t even appear in the descriptions. For readers who already understand ICAM concepts, this is fine, but more information is needed if this site is intended to help non-ICAM people understand what the ICAM people are talking about. Recommend providing additional narrative and, where applicable, direct references to other documents where concepts are described in depth (rather than just listing them in the references section).

Introduction

3. Recommend rewording the descriptive statements so they don’t start with “how.” For example, “How an agency issues, manages, and revokes credentials bound to enterprise identities.” Would be better stated as “The issuance, management, and revocation of credentials bound to enterprise identifiers.”

Use Case 6 – Manage the Credential Lifecycle

4. Typo – “a PIN information”

[sarahdobson]

*General Comments**

1. Use of 2nd person active voice was discussed in the initial meetings, and imperative mood is the plainest way to write instructions.
2. Added keywords back to the service diagrams. Each section of the Architecture is specific for use in conversations with different audiences.

Introduction

3. No change - this rewording creates nominalizations.

Use Case 6 – Manage the Credential Lifecycle

4. Fixed typo.