s3ansh33p
commented
3 years ago Old one better https://github.com/HonbraDev/dodgycoin/issues/1
Closed HonbraDev closed 3 years ago
s3ansh33p
commented
3 years ago Old one better https://github.com/HonbraDev/dodgycoin/issues/1
HonbraDev
commented
3 years ago shut
nadirabbas
commented
3 years ago Old one is better #1
tashima42
commented
3 years ago The entire Shrek Script
{Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.
But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only
be broken by love's first kiss.
She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing
dragon.
Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,
but non prevailed.
She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest
tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.
{Laughing}
Like that's ever gonna happen.
{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}
What a load of -
Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me
I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed
She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb
In the shape of an "L" on her forehead
The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'
Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'
Didn't make sense not to live for fun
Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb
So much to do so much to see
So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets
You'll never know if you don't go
You'll never shine if you don't glow
Hey, now You're an all-star
Get your game on, go play
Hey, now You're a rock star
Get the show on, get paid
And all that glitters is gold
Only shootin' stars break the mold
It's a cool place and they say it gets colder
You're bundled up now but wait till you get older
But the meteor men beg to differ
Judging by the hole in the satellite picture
The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin
The water's getting warm so you might as well swim
My world's on fire
How 'bout yours
That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored
Hey, now, you're an all-star
{Shouting}
Get your game on, go play
Hey, now You're a rock star
Get the show on, get paid
And all that glitters is gold
Only shootin' stars break the mold
{Belches}
Go!
Go!
{Record Scratching}
Go. Go.Go.
Hey, now, you're an all-star
Get your game on, go play
Hey, now You're a rock star
Get the show on, get paid
And all that glitters is gold
Only shootin' stars break the mold
-Think it's in there?
-All right. Let's get it!
-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?
-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.
{Laughs}
-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.
Now, ogres - - They're much worse.
They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.
-No!
-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!
Actually, it's quite good on toast.
-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
{Gasping}
-Right.
{Roaring}
{Shouting}
{Roaring}
{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.
{Gasping}
{Laughs}
{Laughing} And stay out!
"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."
{Sighs}
{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.
-Take it away!
{Gasps}
-Move it along. Come on! Get up!
-Next!
-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.
That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!
-Get up! Come on!
-Twenty pieces.
{Thudding}
-Sit down there!
-Keep quiet!
{Crying}
-This cage is too small.
-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.
I can change. Please! Give me another chance!
-Oh, shut up.
-Oh!
-Next!
-What have you got?
-This little wooden puppet.
-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.
-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.
-Father, please! Don't let them do this!
-Help me!
-Next! What have you got?
-Well, I've got a talking donkey.
{Grunts}
-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.
-Oh, go ahead, little fella.
-Well?
-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.
He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -
-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.
I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.
-Get her out of my sight.
-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
{Gasps}
-Hey! I can fly!
-He can fly!
-He can fly!
-He can talk!
-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.
You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!
Oh-oh.
{Grunts}
-Seize him!
-After him! He's getting away!
{Grunts, Gasps}
{Man}
-Get him! This way! Turn!
-You there. Orge!
-Aye?
-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under
arrest
and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.
-Oh, really? You and what army?
{Gasps, Whimpering}
{Chuckles}
-Can I say something to you?
-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here.
Incredible!
Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!
-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great
back here? Those guards!
They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They
was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made
me feel good to see that.
-Oh, that's great. Really.
-Man, it's good to be free.
-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends?
Hmm?
-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by
myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.
You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit
out of anybody that crosses us.
{Roaring}
-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that
don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you
definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!
You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - -
{Mumbling}
Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my
butt that day.
-Why are you following me?
-I'll tell you why.
'Cause I'm all alone
There's no one here beside me
My promlems have all gone
There's no one to deride me
But you gotta heve friends - -
-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.
-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.
-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?
-Uh - - Really tall?
-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't
that bother you?
-Nope.
-Really?
-Really, really.
-Oh.
-Man, I like you. What's you name?
-Uh, Shrek.
-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?
You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.
I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.
Who'd want to live in place like that?
-That would be my home.
-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a
decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I
like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.
-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?
-I like my privacy.
-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I
hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them
a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.
-Can I stay with you?
-Uh, what?
-Can I stay with you, please?
-Of course!
-Really?
-No.
-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to
be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta
stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
-Okay! Okay! But one night only.
-Ah! Thank you!
-What are you - - No! No!
-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories,
and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.
-Oh!
-Where do, uh, I sleep?
-Outside!
-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you
don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.
{Sniffles}
-Here I go.
-Good night.
{Sighs}
-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside.
I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself,
outside.
I'm all alone
There's no one here beside me
{Bubbling}
{Sighs}
{Creaking}
{Sighs}
-I thought I told you to stay outside.
-I'm outside.
{Clattering}
-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we
have?
-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.
-What a lovely bed.
-Got ya.
{Sniffs} I found some cheese.
-Ow! {Grunts}
-Blah! Awful stuff.
-Is that you, Gorder?
-How did you know?
-Enough! What are you doing in my house?
{Grunts}
-Hey!
{Snickers}
-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.
-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.
-Huh?
{Gusps}
{Male voice} What?
-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I
have to do get a little privacy?
-Aah!
-Oh, no. No! No!
{Cackling}
-What?
-Quit it.
-Don't push.
{Squeaking}
{Lows}
{Echoing}
Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!
{Gasping}
-Oh, dear!
-Whoa!
-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go!
Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!
-Quickly. Come on!
-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.
-Oh!
{Sighs}
-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.
-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.
-What?
-We were forced to come here.
-By who?
-Lord Farquaad.
-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.
{Sighs}
-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
{Murmuring}
-Oh, I do. I know where he is.
-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?
-Me! Me!
-Anyone?
-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!
{Sighs}
-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable.
Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy
Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came
from!
{Cheering}
{Twittering}
-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.
stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!
-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.
-Hey. Oh, oh!
-I can't wait to get on the road again.
-What did I say about singing?
-Can I whistle?
-No.
-Can I hum it?
-All right, hum it.
{Humming}
{Grunts}
{Whimpering}
-That's enough. He's ready to talk.
{Coughing}
{Laughing}
{Clears throat}
-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the
gingerbread man!
-You are a monster.
-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy
tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the
others?
-Eat me!{Grunts}
-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached
its end! Tell me or I'll - -
-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.
-All right then. Who's hiding them?
-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?
-The muffin man?
-The muffin man.
-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?
-Well, she's married to the muffin man.
-The muffin man?
-The muffin man!
-She's married to the muffin man.
{Door opens}
-My lord! We found it.
-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.
{Man grunting}
{Gasping}
-Oh!
-Magic mirror - -
-Don't tell him anything!
-No!
{Ginerbread man whispers}
-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect
kingdom of them all?
-Well, technically you're not a king.
-Uh, Thelonius.
-You were saying?
-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All
you have to do is marry a princess.
-Go on.
{Chuckles}
-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to
meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette
number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away.
She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking
and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.
-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of
fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just
kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come
on. Give it up for Snow White!
-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a
fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling
lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes
pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,
Princess Fiona!
-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or
bachelorette number three?
-Two! Two!
-Three! Three!
-Two! Two!
-Three!
-Three? One?
{Shudders} Three?
--Three! Pick number three, my lord!
-Okay, okay, uh, number three!
-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.
If you like pina coladas
And getting caught in the rain
-Princess Fiona.
If you're not into yoga
-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -
-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.
-I'll do it.
-Yes, but after sunset - -
-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will
finally have the perfect king!
Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.
-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd
find it.
-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.
-Uh-huh. That's the place.
-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?
{Laughs}
{Groans}
-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.
-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.
-Hey, you!
{Screams}
-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -
{Whimpering}
{Sighs}
{Whimpering, Groans}
{Turnstile clatters}
{Chuckles}
{Sighs}
-It's quiet. Too quiet.
{Creaking}
-Where is everybody?
-Hey, look at this!
{Clattering, whirring, clicking}
Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town
Here we have some rules
Let us lay them down
Don't make waves, stay in line
And we'll get along fine
DuLoc is perfect place
Please keep off of the grass
Shine your shoes, wipe your... face
DuLoc is, DuLoc is
DuLoc is perfect ...... place
{Camera shutter clicks
{Whirring}
-Wow! Let's do that again!
-No. No. No, no, no! No.
{Trumpet fanfare}
{Crowd cheering}
-Brave knights.
-You are the best and brightest in all the land.
-Today one of you shall prove himself - -
-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.
-Sorry about that.
{Cheering}
-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go
forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the
dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first
runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae
die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.
{Cheering}
-Let the tournament begin!
{Gasps}
-Oh!
-What is that?
{Gasping}
-It's hideous!
-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.
-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named
champion! Have it him!
-Get him!
-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.
-Go ahead! Get him!
-Can't we just settle this over a pint?
-Kill the beast!
-No? All right then. Come on!
I don't give a damn about my reputation
You're living in the past
It's a new generation
-Damn!
{Whinnying}
A girl can do what she wants to do
And that's what I'm gonna do
And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me
Me, me, me
-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!
And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation
Never said I wanted to improve my station
-Ah!
{Laughs}
And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun
-Yeah!
And I don't have to please no one
-The chair! Give him the chair!
And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me
Me, me, me
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me
{Bell dings}
{Cheering}
{Laughs}
-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till
Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!
{Shrek laughs}
{Crowd gasping, murmuring}
-Shall I give the order, sir?
-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!
-What?
-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great
and noble quest.
-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.
-Your swamp?
-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!
{Crowd murmuring}
-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for
me, and I'll give you your swamp back.
-Exactly the way it was?
-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
-And the squatters?
-As good as gone.
-What kind of quest?
-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a
princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only
don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.
-Is that about right?
-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.
-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on
him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make
your bread, the whole orge trip.
-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and
put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and
drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?
-Uh, no, not really, no.
-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.
-Example?
-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.
-{Sniffs} They stink?
-Yes - - No!
-They make you cry?
-No!
-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little
white hairs.
-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have
layers. You get it? We both have layers.
{Sighs}
-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes
onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.
-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a
person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like
no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.
-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like
onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.
-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or
something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start
slobbering.
I'm on my way from misery to happiness today
Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh
I'm on my way from misery to happiness today
Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh
And everything that you receive up yonder
Is what you give to me the day I wander
I'm on my way
I'm on my way
I'm on my way
-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?
-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was
open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's
brimstone We must be getting close.
-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I
know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone
neither.
{Rumbling}
-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.
{Laughing}
-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?
-Oh, aye.
-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have
layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.
-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.
-You know what I mean.
-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.
-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over
a boiling like of lava!
-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional
support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step
at a time.
-Really?
-Really, really.
-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
-Just keep moving. And don't look down.
-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on
moving. Don't look down.
{Gasps}
-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off,
please!
-But you're already halfway.
-But I know that half is safe!
-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.
-Shrek, no! Wait!
-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?
-Don't do that!
-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?
-Oh, this?
-Yes, that!
-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.
{Screams}
-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!
-You said do it! I'm doin' it.
-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!
-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.
-Cool.
-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?
-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
{Chuckles}
-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
{Water dripping, wind howling}
-You afraid?
-No.
-But - -
-Oh, good. Me neither.
{Gasps}
-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible
response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I
might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and
breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little
scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.
{Gasps}
-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if
you can find any stairs.
-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.
-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest
tower.
-What makes you think she'll be there?
-I read it in a book once.
-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those
stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way
they're goin'.
{Creacing}
-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with
me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a
step right here. I'd step all over it.
-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - -
-Dragon!
{Screams}
{Gasps}
{Roars}
-Donkey, look out!
{Screams}
{Whimpering}
-Got ya!
{Roars}
{Gasps}
{Shouts}
-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
{Screaming}
{Gasps}
-Oh! Aah! Aah!
{Gasping}
{Crowls}
-No. Oh, no, No!
{Screams}
-Oh, what large teeth you have.
{Crowls}
-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time
from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile
you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know
what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of
course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.
What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh.
Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - -
(Coughs)
-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna
blow smoke rings. Shrek!
{Gasps}
{Whimpering}
-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
{Groans, Sighs}
{Vocalizing}
-Oh! Oh!
-Wake up!
-What?
-Are you Princess Fiona?
-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.
-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!
-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be
a wonderful, romantic moment?
-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.
-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out
yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?
-Mm-hmm.
{Screams, grunts}
-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for
me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!
-I don't think so.
-Can I at least know the name of my champion?
-Um, Shrek.
-Sir Shrek.
{Cleans throat}
-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
-Thanks!
{Roaring}
-You didn't slay the dragon?
-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!
{Screams}
-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn,
banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.
-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.
-That's not the point. Oh!
-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.
-Well, I have to save my ass.
-What kind of knight are you?
-One of a kind.
-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to
know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned.
{Laughs}
-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not
emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really
is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted
physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back
up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to
know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot,
but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - -
Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna
tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with
that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!
{Growls}
{Roaring}
{Gasps}
-Hi, Princess!
-It talks!
-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.
{Screams}
{Screaming}
-Oh!
{Thuds}
{Groans}
{Roars}
{Roaring}
-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.
{Fchoing}
-Run!
{Gasping}
{Screaming}
{Roaring}
{Screams}
{Roars}
{Panting, sighs}
{Whimpers}
{Roars}
-You did it!
-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful.
You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and
thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.
{Clears throat}
-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?
-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a
steed.
-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.
-Uh, no.
-Why not?
-I have helmet hair.
-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.
-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.
-But how will you kiss me?
-What? That wasn't in the job description.
-Maybe it's a perk.
-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in
a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then
they share true love's first kiss.
-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you
true love?
-Well, yes.
{Laughing}
-You think Shrek is your true love!
-What is so funny?
-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?
-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your
helmet.
-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.
-Just take off the helmet.
-I'm not going to.
-Take ot off.
-No!
-Now!
-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.
-You- - You're a- - an orge.
-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.
-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed
to be an orge.
{Sighs}
-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the
one who wants to marry you.
-Then why didn't he come rescue me?
-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.
-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- -
his pet.
-So much for noble steed.
-You're not making my job any easier.
-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad
that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right
here.
-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.
-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!
-Ya comin', Donkey?
-I'm right behind ya.
-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not
dignified! Put me down!
-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you,
right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down
real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a
crisp and eaten?
-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what
happens when you find your - - Hey!
{Sighs}
-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.
-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!
-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?
-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in
short supply.
{Laughs}
-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.
-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never
measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the
"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.
-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?
-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.
-But there's robbers in the woods.
-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.
-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this
forest.
-I need to find somewhere to camp now!
{Birds wings fluttering}
{Grunting}
-Hey! Over here.
-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a
princess.
-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.
-Homey touches? Like what?
{Crashing}
-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.
-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.
-I said good night!
-Shrek, What are you doing?
{Laughs}
-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.
{Fire cracking}
-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over
three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.
-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?
-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look,
there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.
-I know you're making this up.
-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away
from his stench.
-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.
-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm?
Forget it.
{Sighs}
-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?
-Our swamp?
-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.
-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my
swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my
land.
-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what
I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody
out.
-No, do ya think?
-Are you hidin' something?
-Never mind, Donkey.
-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?
-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.
-Why don't you want to talk about it?
-Why do you want to talk about it?
-Why are you blocking?
-I'm not blocking.
-Oh, yes, you are.
-Donkey, I'm warning you.
-Who you trying to keep out?
-Everyone! Okay?
-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.
-Oh! For the love of Pete!
-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?
-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that
seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.
"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they
even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.
-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big,
stupid, ugly orge.
-Yeah, I know.
-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.
-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one
there?
-That's the moon.
-Oh, okay.
{Orchestra}
{Dulcimer}
-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the
princess.
-Hmph.
-Ah. Perfect.
{Inhales}
{Snoring}
{Vocalizing}
{Whistling}
{Sizzling}
{Sniffs, yawns}
-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.
--Come on, baby. I said I like it.
-Donkey, wake up.
-Huh? What?
-Wake up.
-What?
-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?
-Good morning, Princess!
-What's all this about?
-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to
make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
-Uh, thanks.
{Sniffs}
-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.
{Belches}
-Shrek!
-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}
-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.
{Belches}
-Thanks.
-She's as nasty as you are.
-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.
-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.
{Vocalizing}
-La liberte! Hey!
-Princess!
{Laughs}
-What are you doing?
-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from
this green - -
{Kissing sounds}
-beast.
-Hey!
-That's my princess! Go find you own!
-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?
-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!
-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry
Men.
{Laughs}
{Accordion}
Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.
I steal from the rich and give to the needy.
He takes a wee percentage,
But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels
Man, I'm good
What a guy, Monsieur Hood
Break it down
I like an honest fight
and a saucy little maid
What he's basically saying
is he likes to get - -
Paid
So
When an orge in the bush
grabs a lady by the tush
That's bad
That's bad
When a beauty's with a beast
it makes me awfully mad
He's mad
He's really, really mad
I'll take my blade and
ram it through your heart
Keep your eyes on me, boys
'cause I'm about to start
{Grunts, Groans}
{Karate Yell}
{Merry Men Gasping}
{Panting}
-Man, that was annoying!
-Oh, you little- -
{Karate Yell}
{Accordion}
{Shouting, groaning}
{Chuckles}
-Uh, shall we?
-Hold the phone.
{Grunts}
Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?
-What?
-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?
-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these
things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!
-What? Oh, would you look at that?
-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.
-Why? What's wrong?
-Shrek's hurt.
-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.
-Donkey, I'm okay.
-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep
you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the
Heimlich?
-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and
find me a blue flower with red thorns.
-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.
Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!
-{Both} Donkey!
-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.
-What are the flowers for?
-For getting rid of Donkey.
-Ah.
-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.
-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.
-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
-No, it's tender.
-Now, hold on.
-What you're doing is the opposite of help.
-Don't move.
-Look, time out.
-Would you - -
{Grunts}
-Okay. What do you propose we do?
-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red
thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue
flower, red thorns.
-Ow!
-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!
-Ow! Not good.
-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.
{Grunts}
-It's just about - -
-Ow! Ohh!
-Ahem.
-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - -
-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?
-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was
just- - Ugh!
-Ow!
-Hey, what's that?
{Nervous chickle}
-That's- - Is that blood?
{Sighs}
{Bird chirping}
{Grunts}
My beloved monster and me
We go everywhere together
Wearin' a raincoat
that has four sleeves
Gets us through all kinds of weather
-Aah!
She will always be the only thing
That comes between me and the awful sting
That comes from living in a world
that's so damn mean
{Croaks}
Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh
-Hey!
La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la
{Both laughing}
La-la, la-la, la-la
-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.
-That's DuLoc?
-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for
something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!
-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.
-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.
{Blubbering}
-What?
-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.
-What are you talking about? I'm fine.
-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on
your back. Dead.
-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?
-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.
-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and
when I turn my head like this, look,
{Bones crunch}
-Ow! See?
-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.
-I'll get the firewood.
-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any
toes! I think I need a hug.
-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?
-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.
-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I
make a mean weedrat stew.
{Chuckling}
{Sighs}
-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.
{Gulps}
-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind
of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.
{Chuckles}
-I'd like that.
{Slurps, laughs}
See the pyramids along the Nile
-Um, Princess?
Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle
-Yes, Shrek?
-I, um, I was wondering.
Just remember, darling all the while
-Are you- -
You belong to me
{Sighs}
-Are you gonna eat that?
{Chuckles}
-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.
-Sunset?
-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.
-What?
-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark,
aren't you?
-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.
-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until
{Shrek sighs}
-Good night.
-Good night.
{Door creaks}
-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.
-Oh, what are you talkin' about?
-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.
And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.
-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.
-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in
and tell her how you feel.
-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,
well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a
princess, and I'm - -
-An orge?
-Yeah. An orge.
-Hey, where you goin'?
-To get... move firewood.
{Sighs}
-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?
{Wings fluttering}
-Princess?
{Creaking}
{Gasps}
-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.
{Screams}
-Aah!
-Oh, no!
-No, help!
-Shh!
-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
-No, it's okay. It's okay.
-What did you do with the princess?
-Donkey, I'm the princess.
-Aah!
-It's me, in this body.
-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?
-Donkey!
-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!
-No!
-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
-Shh.
-Shrek!
-This is me.
{Muffled mumbling}
-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.
-I'm ugly, okay?
-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats
was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - -
-No.
-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.
-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.
-It's only happens when sun goes down.
"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you
find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."
-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.
-It's a spell.
{Sighs}
-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I
become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to
await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry
Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.
{Sobs}
-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not
that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look
like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.
-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant
to look.
-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?
-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.
-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you
got a lot in common.
-Shrek?
-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for
me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's
pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might
like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh -
{Sighs}
-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.
-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I
mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?
"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here
with Shrek.
{Gasps}
-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.
{Deep sigh}
-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only
way to break the spell.
-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.
-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.
-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?
-Promise you won't tell. Promise!
-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know
before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.
-Look at my eye twitchin'.
{Door opens}
{Snoring}
-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him.
-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - -
{Snoring}
-Shrek. Are you all right?
-Perfect! Never been better.
-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.
-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last
night.
-You heard what I said?
-Every word.
-I thought you'd understand.
-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly
beast?"
-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.
-Yeah? Well, it does.
{Gasps, sighs}
-Ah, right on time.
{Horse whinnies}
-Princess, I've brought you a little something.
{Fanfare}
{Yawns}
-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?
{Muffled}
-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.
-Princess Fiona.
-As promised. Now hand it over.
-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.
-Take it and go before I change my mind.
-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I
have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.
-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.
{Snaps fingers}
-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.
-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the
orge. It's not like it has feelings.
-No, you're right. It doesn't.
-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in
marriage.
{Gasps}
-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?
-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -
-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!
-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun
sets.
-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's
so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest
list. Captain, round up some guests!
-Fare-thee-well, orge.
-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.
-Yeah? So what?
-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to
her last night, She's - -
-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?
Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?
-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.
-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone!
My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless,
pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!
-But I thought - -
-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!
-Shrek.
I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do ya
It goes like this the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall the major lift
The baffled king composing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Baby, I've been here before
I know this room I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
But love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
And all I ever learned from love
Is how to shoot at someone
Who outdrew you
{Moaning}
And it's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
{Moaning}
Hallelujah, hallelujah
{Thumping sound}
-Donkey?
{Grunts}
-What are you doing?
-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see
one.
-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not
through it.
-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.
-Oh! Your half. Hmm.
-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I
get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks
like your head.
-Back off!
-No, you back off.
-This is my swamp!
-Our swamp.
-Let go, Donkey!
-You let go.
-Stubborn jackass!
-Smelly orge.
-Fine!
-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.
-Well, I'm through with you.
-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess
what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are
mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!
You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.
-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?
-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!
-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in
the back!
-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your
own feelings.
-Go away!
-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she
ever do was like you, maybe even love you.
-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of
you talking.
-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody
else.
-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?
-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.
Right? Right?
-Donkey!
-No!
-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?
{Sighs}
-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you
forgive me?
-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?
-Right. Friends?
-Friends.
-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?
-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?
-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.
-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I
have a way.
{Whistles}
-Donkey?
-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.
{Laughing}
-Aw, come here, you.
-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass.
All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install
the seat belts yet.
-Whoo!
{Bells tolling}
{All gasping}
-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....
-Um-
-of our new king - -
-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?
{Chuckling}
-Go on.
-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about
that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't
you?
-What are you talking about?
-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak
now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"
-I don't have time for this!
-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this
woman, don't you?
-Yes.
-You wanna hold her?
-Yes.
-Please her?
-Yes!
-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that
romantic crap!
-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?
-We gotta check it out.
-And so, by the power vested in me,
-What do you see?
-The whole town's in there.
-I now pronounce you husband and wife,
-They're at the altar.
-king and queen.
-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
-Oh, for the love of Pete!
{Grunts}
-I object!
-Shrek?
{Gasps}
-Oh, now what does he want?
-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all.
Very clean.
-What are you doing here?
-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but
showing up uninvited to a wedding - -
-Fiona! I need to talk to you.
-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll
excuse me - -
-But you can't marry him.
-And why not?
-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.
-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.
-He's not your true love.
-And what do you know about true love?
-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -
-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess!
Oh, good Lord.
{Crowd laughting}
-An orge and a princess!
-Shrek, is this true?
-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away
from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!
-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.
{Whimpers}
{Crown gasping}
-Well, uh, that explains a lot.
-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of
my sight now! Get them! Get them both!
-No, no!
-Shrek!
-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that
makes me king! See? See?
-No, let go of me! Shrek!
-No!
-Don't just stand there, you morons.
-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!
-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and
quartered!
-You'll beg for death to save you!
-No, Shrek!
-And as for you, my wife,
-Fiona!
-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!
-I'm king!
{Whistles}
-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!
-Aah!
-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to
use it.
{Roars}
-I'm a donkey on the edge!
{Belches}
-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?
{Cheering}
-Go ahead, Shrek.
-Uh, Fiona?
-Yes, Shrek?
-I - - I love you.
-Really?
-Really, really.
-Aawww!
-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true
form."
-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."
-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?
-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.
-But you ARE beautiful.
{Chuckles}
-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.
I thought love was only true in fairy tales
Oy!
Meant for someone else but not for me
Love was out to get me
That's the way it seemed
Disappointment haunted all my dreams
And then I saw her face
Now I'm a believer and not a trace
Of doubt in my mind
I'm in love
Ooh-aah
I'm a believer I couldn't leave her
If I tried
-God bless us, every one.
Come on, y'all!
Then I saw her face
Ha-ha
Now I'm a believer
Listen!
Not a trace
Of doubt in my mind
I'm in love
Ooh-aah
I'm a believer
I couldn't leave her if I tried
-Ooh!
-Uh!
Then I saw her face
Now I'm a believer
Hey!
Not a trace
Uhh! Yeah.
Of doubt in my mind
-One more time!
I'm in love
I'm a believer
Come on!
I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,
I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey
Y'all sing it with me!
I
Believe
I believe
People in the back!
I believe
I'm a believer
I believe
I believe
I believe
I believe
{Hysterical laughing}
-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.
-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
I believe in self-assertion
Destiny or a slight diversion
Now it seems I've got my head on straight
I'm a freak an apparition
Seems I've made the right decision
To try to turn back now it might be too late
Now I want to stay home today
Don't wanna go out
If anyone comes to play
Gonna get thrown out
I wanna stay home today
Don't want no company
No way
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I wanna be a millionaire someday
But know what it feels like to give it away
Watch me march to the beat of my own drum
And it's off to the moon and then back again
Same old day Same situation
My happiness rears back as if to say
I wanna stay home today
Don't wanna go out
If anyone comes to play
Gonna get thrown out
I wanna stay home today
Don't want no company
No way
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........
I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes
My heart skips a beat
Girl, I feel so alive
Please tell me, baby, if all this is true
'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you
Oh-oh-oh
Makes me wanna dance
Oh-oh-oh
It's a new romance
Oh-oh-oh
I look into your eyes
Oh-oh-oh
The best years of our lives
When we first met
I could hardly believe
The things that would happen
and we could achieve
So let's be together
for all of our time
Oh, girl, I'm so thankful
that you are still mine
You always consider me
like an ugly duckling
And treat me like a Nostradamus
was why I had to get my shine on
I break a little something
to keep my mind on
'Cause you had my mind gone
Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh
Turn the lights on, Come on, baby
Let's just rewind the song
'Cause all I want to do is
make the rest years the best years
All night long
Oh-oh-oh
Makes me wanna dance
Makes me wanna dance
Oh-oh-oh
It's a new romance
It's a new romance
Oh-oh-oh
I look into your eyes
Oh, yeah, yeah
I look into your eyes
Oh-oh-oh
The best years of our lives
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............
Everything looks bright
Standing in your light
Everything feels right
What's left is out of sight
What's a girl to do
I'm telling you
You're on my mind
I wanna be with you
'Cause when you're
standin' next to me
It's like wow
And all your kisses
seem to set me free
It's like wow
And when we touch
it's such a rush
I can't get enough
It's like- - It's like
Ooh-ooh
Hey, what
It's like wow
Ooh-ooh, hey
Hey, yeah
It's like wow
Everything is looking
right now, right now
It's like wow
And I got this feeling
This feeling
it's just like wow
It's just like wow
You are all I'm thinking of.
Like wow
Everything feels right
Everything feels right
Like wow
Everything looks bright
All my senses are right
Like wow
Everything feels right
Baby, baby, baby
the way I'm feeling you
Is like wow
There is something
that I see
In the way
you look at me
There's a smile
There's a truth
In your eyes
What an unexpected way
On this unexpected day
Could it be
This is where I belong
It is you I have loved
All long
There's no more mystery
It is finally clear to me
You're the home
my heart's searched for
So long
It is you I have loved
All long
Whoa, over and over
I'm filled with emotion
As I look
Into your perfect face
MMK21Hub
commented
3 years ago There's a typo, I think:
HonbraDev
commented
3 years ago @MMK21Hub no it's a feature
s3ansh33p
commented
3 years ago But why
The Entire Bee Movie Script Bee Movie Script - Dialogue Transcript
According to all known laws of aviation,
there is no way a bee should be able to fly.
Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.
The bee, of course, flies anyway
because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little.
Barry! Breakfast is ready!
Ooming!
Hang on a second.
Hello?
Barry?
Adam?
Oan you believe this is happening?
I can't. I'll pick you up.
Looking sharp.
Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those.
Sorry. I'm excited.
Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son.
A perfect report card, all B's.
Very proud.
Ma! I got a thing going here.
You got lint on your fuzz.
Ow! That's me!
Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000.
Bye!
Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house!
Hey, Adam.
Hey, Barry.
Is that fuzz gel?
A little. Special day, graduation.
Never thought I'd make it.
Three days grade school, three days high school.
Those were awkward.
Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive.
You did come back different.
Hi, Barry.
Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good.
Hear about Frankie?
Yeah.
You going to the funeral?
No, I'm not going.
Everybody knows, sting someone, you die.
Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead.
I guess he could have just gotten out of the way.
I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day.
That's why we don't need vacations.
Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances.
Well, Adam, today we are men.
We are!
Bee-men.
Amen!
Hallelujah!
Students, faculty, distinguished bees,
please welcome Dean Buzzwell.
Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of...
...9:15.
That concludes our ceremonies.
And begins your career at Honex Industries!
Will we pick ourjob today?
I heard it's just orientation.
Heads up! Here we go.
Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times.
Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco
and a part of the Hexagon Group.
This is it!
Wow.
Wow.
We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life
to get to the point where you can work for your whole life.
Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive.
Our top-secret formula
is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured
into this soothing sweet syrup
with its distinctive golden glow you know as...
Honey!
That girl was hot.
She's my cousin!
She is?
Yes, we're all cousins.
Right. You're right.
At Honex, we constantly strive
to improve every aspect of bee existence.
These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology.
Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman.
that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions.
Oan anyone work on the Krelman?
Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know
that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot.
But choose carefully
because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life.
The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that.
What's the difference?
You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off
in 27 million years.
So you'll just work us to death?
We'll sure try.
Wow! That blew my mind!
"What's the difference?" How can you say that?
One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make.
I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life.
But, Adam, how could they never have told us that?
Why would you question anything? We're bees.
We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth.
You ever think maybe things work a little too well here?
Like what? Give me one example.
I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about.
Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach.
Wait a second. Oheck it out.
I've never seen them this close.
They know what it's like outside the hive.
Yeah, but some don't come back.
You guys did great!
You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it!
Their day's not planned.
Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what.
You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that.
Right.
Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime.
It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it.
Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it.
Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too?
Distant. Distant.
Look at these two.
It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock.
Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom!
He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me!
What were you doing during this?
Trying to alert the authorities.
I can autograph that.
A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades?
Yeah. Gusty.
We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow.
A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it.
We're going 0900 at J-Gate.
What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough?
I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means.
Hey, Honex!
Dad, you surprised me.
You decide what you're interested in?
Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day?
Son, let me tell you about stirring.
You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around.
You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing.
You know, Dad, the more I think about it,
maybe the honey field just isn't right for me.
You were thinking of what, making balloon animals?
That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger.
Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey!
You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer!
Wait till you see the sticks I have.
I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo!
Let's open some honey and celebrate!
Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae.
Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"!
I'm so proud.
Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone.
Yeah, right.
Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal...
One of them's yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side.
Wow!
Oouple of newbies?
Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready!
Make your choice.
Oh, my. What's available?
Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think.
I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out.
Wax monkey's always open.
The Krelman opened up again.
What happened?
A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one.
Deady. Deadified. Two more dead.
Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life!
Oh, this is so hard!
Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer,
humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor,
mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry?
Barry!
All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine...
What happened to you? Where are you?
I'm going out.
Out? Out where?
Out there.
Oh, no!
I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life.
You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello?
Another call coming in.
If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd
that gets their roses today.
Hey, guys.
Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted.
It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up.
Really? Feeling lucky, are you?
Sign here, here. Just initial that.
You got a rain advisory today,
and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain.
So be careful. As always, watch your brooms,
hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats.
Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us.
Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada!
bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans!
All right, launch positions!
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz!
Black and yellow!
Hello!
You ready for this, hot shot?
Yeah. Yeah, bring it on.
Wind, check.
Antennae, check.
Nectar pack, check.
Wings, check.
Stinger, check.
Scared out of my shorts, check.
OK, ladies,
let's move it out!
Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers!
All of you, drain those flowers!
Wow! I'm out!
I can't believe I'm out!
So blue.
I feel so fast and free!
Box kite!
Wow!
Flowers!
This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual.
Bring it around 30 degrees and hold.
Roses!
30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around.
Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick.
That is one nectar collector!
I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there,
a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic.
That's amazing. Why do we do that?
That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us.
Oool.
I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don't we need those?
Oopy that visual.
Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move.
Say again? You're reporting a moving flower?
Affirmative.
That was on the line!
This is the coolest. What is it?
I don't know, but I'm loving this color.
It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it.
Yeah, fuzzy.
Ohemical-y.
Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby.
My sweet lord of bees!
Oandy-brain, get off there!
Problem!
Affirmative.
Very close.
Gonna hurt.
Mama's little boy.
You are way out of position, rookie!
Ooming in at you like a missile!
Help me!
I don't think these are flowers.
What is this?!
Match point!
You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it!
Yowser!
Gross.
There's a bee in the car!
Do something!
I'm driving!
Hi, bee.
He's back here!
He's going to sting me!
Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze!
He blinked!
Spray him, Granny!
What are you doing?!
Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable.
I gotta get home.
Oan't fly in rain.
Oan't fly in rain.
Oan't fly in rain.
Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down!
Ken, could you close the window please?
Ken, could you close the window please?
Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure.
You see? Folds out.
Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this.
What was that?
Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This...
Drapes!
That is diabolical.
It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies.
What's number one? Star Wars?
Nah, I don't go for that...
...kind of stuff.
No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds.
When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say.
There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out.
I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it.
I predicted global warming.
I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me.
Wait! Stop! Bee!
Stand back. These are winter boots.
Wait!
Don't kill him!
You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me!
Why does his life have less value than yours?
Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement?
I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling.
My brochure!
There you go, little guy.
I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing.
Put that on your resume brochure.
My whole face could puff up.
Make it one of your special skills.
Knocking someone out is also a special skill.
Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks.
Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night?
Sure, Ken. You know, whatever.
You could put carob chips on there.
Bye.
Supposed to be less calories.
Bye.
I gotta say something.
She saved my life. I gotta say something.
All right, here it goes.
Nah.
What would I say?
I could really get in trouble.
It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
I've got to.
Oh, I can't do it. Oome on!
No. Yes. No.
Do it. I can't.
How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good.
Here she comes! Speak, you fool!
Hi!
I'm sorry.
You're talking!
I'm so sorry.
No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming.
But I don't recall going to bed.
Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting.
This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee!
I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this,
but they were all trying to kill me.
And if it wasn't for you...
I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised.
That was a little weird.
I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me!
I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now.
The talking thing.
Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up.
Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with.
Anyway...
Oan I...
...get you something?
I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Ooffee?
I don't want to put you out.
It's no trouble. It takes two minutes.
It's just coffee.
I hate to impose.
Don't be ridiculous!
Actually, I would love a cup.
Hey, you want rum cake?
I shouldn't.
Have some.
No, I can't.
Oome on!
I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms.
You look great!
I don't know if you know anything about fashion.
Are you all right?
No.
He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison.
He finally gets there.
He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on.
And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan.
Why would I marry a watermelon?"
Is that a bee joke?
That's the kind of stuff we do.
Yeah, different.
So, what are you gonna do, Barry?
About work? I don't know.
I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want.
I know how you feel.
My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist.
Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan.
Anyway, if you look...
There's my hive right there. See it?
You're in Sheep Meadow!
Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond!
No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once.
Why do girls put rings on their toes?
Why not?
It's like putting a hat on your knee.
Maybe I'll try that.
You all right, ma'am?
Oh, yeah. Fine.
Just having two cups of coffee!
Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee.
Yeah, it's no trouble.
Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life.
Are you...?
Oan I take a piece of this with me?
Sure! Here, have a crumb.
All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around.
Or not.
OK, Barry.
And thank you so much again... for before.
Oh, that? That was nothing.
Well, not nothing, but... Anyway...
This can't possibly work.
He's all set to go. We may as well try it.
OK, Dave, pull the chute.
It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life.
Humans! I can't believe you were with humans!
Giant, scary humans! What were they like?
Huge and crazy. They talk crazy.
They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy.
Do they try and kill you, like on TV?
Some of them. But some of them don't.
How'd you get back?
Poodle.
You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see.
You had your "experience." Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal.
Well, I met someone.
You did? Was she Bee-ish?
A wasp?! Your parents will kill you!
No, no, no, not a wasp.
Spider?
I'm not attracted to spiders.
I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all.
I can't get by that face.
So who is she?
She's... human.
No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law.
She's so nice. And she's a florist!
Oh, no! You're dating a human florist!
We're not dating.
You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes
with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite!
She saved my life! And she understands me.
This is over!
Eat this.
This is not over! What was that?
And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat!
It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up...
Sit down!
...really hot!
We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them!
Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning?
There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me!
You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
There he is. He's in the pool.
You know what your problem is, Barry?
I gotta start thinking bee?
How much longer will this go on?
It's been three days! Why aren't you working?
I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about.
What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee!
Would it kill you to make a little honey?
Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you.
Martin, would you talk to him?
Barry, I'm talking to you!
You coming?
Got everything?
All set!
Go ahead. I'll catch up.
Don't be too long.
Watch this!
Vanessa!
He doesn't respond to yelling!
I'm not listening to this.
Sorry, I've gotta go.
A girl? Is this why you can't decide?
Bye.
I just hope she's Bee-ish.
They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena?
To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream!
Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering.
A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events?
No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere?
It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster.
Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn.
TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane!
You don't have that?
We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease.
Oh, my.
Dumb bees!
You must want to sting all those jerks.
We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us.
So you have to watch your temper.
Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk,
write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion:
Anger, jealousy, lust.
Oh, my goodness! Are you OK?
Yeah.
He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep!
What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular?
Yeah, it was. How did you know?
It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit.
You've really got that down to a science.
What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this?
How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom,
Ray Liotta Private Select?
Is he that actor?
I never heard of him.
Why is this here?
For people. We eat it.
You don't have enough food of your own?
Well, yes.
How do you get it?
Bees make it.
I know who makes it!
And it's hard to make it!
There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing!
It's just honey, Barry.
Just what?!
Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing!
You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have!
And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this.
I'm getting to the bottom of all of this!
Hey, Hector.
He is here. I sense it.
Well, I guess I'll go home now
and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around.
You're busted, box boy!
I knew I heard something. So you can talk!
I can talk. And now you'll start talking!
Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier?
I don't understand. I thought we were friends.
The last thing we want to do is upset bees!
You're too late! It's ours now!
You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword!
You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio!
Where is the honey coming from?
Tell me where!
Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms!
Orazy person!
What horrible thing has happened here?
These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now
they're on the road to nowhere!
Just keep still.
What? You're not dead?
Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed?
To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here.
I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off!
I'm going to Tacoma.
All right.
Uh-oh!
What is that?!
Oh, no!
A wiper! Triple blade!
Triple blade?
Jump on! It's your only chance, bee!
Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?!
How much do you people need to see?!
Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window!
From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell.
But don't kill no more bugs!
Bee!
Moose blood guy!!
You hear something?
Like what?
Like tiny screaming.
Turn off the radio.
Whassup, bee boy?
Hey, Blood.
Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see.
Wow!
I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it.
I mean, that honey's ours.
It's a close community.
Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own.
Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack!
At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls.
Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly.
Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito.
You got to be kidding me!
Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee!
I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw?
We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit.
What is this place?
A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead.
They are pinheads!
Pinhead.
The Thomas 3000!
Smoker?
Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar.
A couple breaths of this knocks them right out.
They make the honey, and we make the money.
"They make the honey, and we make the money"?
Oh, my!
What's going on? Are you OK?
Yeah. It doesn't last too long.
Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls?
Our queen was moved here. We had no choice.
This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes!
That's a drag queen!
What is this?
Oh, no!
There's hundreds of them!
Bee honey.
Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale!
This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something.
Oh, Barry, stop.
Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor.
Do these look like rumors?
That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos.
How did you get mixed up in this?
He's been talking to humans.
He has a human girlfriend. And they make out!
Make out? Barry!
We do not.
The bees!
I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night.
Barry, this is what you want to do with your life?
I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees!
Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked
your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop.
I remember that.
What right do they have to our honey?
We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever!
Even if it's true, what can one bee do?
Sting them where it really hurts.
In the face! The eye!
Up the nose? That's a killer.
There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters.
Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source.
No more bee beards!
With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk.
Weather with Storm Stinger.
Sports with Buzz Larvi.
And Jeanette Ohung.
A tri-county bee, Barry Benson,
intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey,
packaging it and profiting from it illegally!
Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King,
we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book,
Olassy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon.
Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson.
Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"?
Bees have never been afraid to change the world.
What about Bee Oolumbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus?
Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans.
We were thinking of stickball or candy stores.
How old are you?
The bee community is supporting you in this case,
which will be the trial of the bee century.
You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too.
It's a common name. Next week...
He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots...
Next week...
Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em.
Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live.
Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish.
In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness!
It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81.
Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that?
Quiet, please. Actual work going on here.
I'm helping him sue the human race.
This is Ken.
Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe.
Why does he talk again?
Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working.
But it's our yogurt night!
Bye-bye.
Why is yogurt night so difficult?!
You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours!
Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help.
Just one. I try not to use the competition.
So why are you helping me?
Bees have good qualities.
And it takes my mind off the shop.
Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now.
Those are great, if you're three.
And artificial flowers.
Bent stingers, pointless pollination.
Bees must hate those fake things!
Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done.
Maybe this could make up for it a little bit.
You sure you want to go through with it?
Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able
to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty!
It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan,
where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history,
we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak.
What have we gotten into here, Barry?
It's pretty big, isn't it?
I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day.
You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers?
Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade.
Well, if it isn't the bee team.
You boys work on this?
All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding.
All right. Oase number 4475,
Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry
is now in session.
Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively?
A privilege.
Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world?
I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed.
Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
my grandmother was a simple woman.
Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right
to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us.
If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines,
just think of what would it mean.
I would have to negotiate with the silkworm
for the elastic in my britches!
Talking bee!
How do we know this isn't some sort of
holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry?
They could be using laser beams!
Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know,
he could be on steroids!
Mr. Benson?
Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here.
I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me.
It's important to all bees. We invented it!
We make it. And we protect it with our lives.
Unfortunately, there are some people in this room
who think they can take it from us
'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over,
you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have
but everything we are!
I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice!
Oall your first witness.
So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have.
I suppose so.
I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron!
Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms.
Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term.
I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you?
No.
I couldn't hear you.
No.
No.
Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that,
it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey.
They're very lovable creatures.
Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear.
You mean like this?
Bears kill bees!
How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?!
Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows!
OK, that's enough. Take him away.
So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me.
But you've never been a police officer, have you?
No, I haven't.
No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example
of bee culture casually stolen by a human
for nothing more than a prance-about stage name.
Oh, please.
Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting?
Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting.
Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner!
That's not his real name?! You idiots!
Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on
your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005.
Thank you. Thank you.
I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome
with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow.
I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime?
Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you?
Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't
have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir?
Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now!
This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella!
Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?!
Order! Order, I say!
I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that.
I think the jury's on our side.
Are we doing everything right, legally?
I'm a florist.
Right. Well, here's to a great team.
To a great team!
Well, hello.
I didn't think you were coming.
No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery.
I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free.
Oh, that was lucky.
There's a little left. I could heat it up.
Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever.
So I hear you're quite a tennis player.
I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby.
That's where I usually sit. Right... there.
Ken, Barry was looking at your resume,
and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill.
You think I don't see what you're doing?
I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common.
Do we?
Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out.
That's just what I was thinking about doing.
Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right.
I'm going to drain the old stinger.
Yeah, you do that.
Look at that.
You know, I've just about had it
with your little mind games.
Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages.
A lot of ads.
Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine?
Funny, I just can't seem to recall that!
I think something stinks in here!
I love the smell of flowers.
How do you like the smell of flames?!
Not as much.
Water bug! Not taking sides!
Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is pathetic!
I've got issues!
Well, well, well, a royal flush!
Surf's up, dude!
Poo water!
That bowl is gnarly.
Except for those dirty yellow rings!
Kenneth! What are you doing?!
You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it!
We need to talk!
He's just a little bee!
And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time!
Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life?
No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them!
Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night...
My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster!
Goodbye, Ken.
And for your information,
I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man!
I'm sorry about all that.
I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it!
I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me.
I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well.
Are you OK for the trial?
I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas.
We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand.
Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers...
Yeah.
Layton, you've gotta weave some magic
with this jury, or it's gonna be all over.
Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around
is to remind them of what they don't like about bees.
Only to losing, son. Only to losing.
Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know.
What exactly is your relationship
to that woman?
We're friends.
How good? Do you live together?
Wait a minute...
Are you her little...
...bedbug?
I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand,
doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children?
Yeah, but...
So those aren't your real parents!
Oh, Barry...
Yes, they are!
Hold me back!
You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson?
He's denouncing bees!
Don't y'all date your cousins?
Adam, don't! It's what he wants!
Oh, I'm hit!!
Oh, lordy, I am hit!
Order! Order!
The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins!
I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction!
You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages!
Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way!
What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison
from my heaving buttocks?
I will have order in this court. Order!
Order, please!
The case of the honeybees versus the human race
took a pointed turn against the bees
yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery.
Hey, buddy.
Hey.
Is there much pain?
Yeah.
I...
I blew the whole case, didn't I?
It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died.
I'd be better off dead. Look at me.
They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich.
Look, there's a little celery still on it.
What was it like to sting someone?
I can't explain it. It was all...
All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy!
All right.
You think it was all a trap?
Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this.
What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world.
What will the humans do to us if they win?
I don't know.
I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad.
Adam, they check in, but they don't check out!
Oh, my.
Oould you get a nurse to close that window?
Bees don't smoke.
Right. Bees don't smoke.
Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking.
That's it! That's our case!
It is? It's not over?
Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere.
Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can.
And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub.
Mr. Flayman.
Yes? Yes, Your Honor!
Where is the rest of your team?
Well, Your Honor, it's interesting.
Bees are trained to fly haphazardly,
and as a result, we don't make very good time.
I actually heard a funny story about...
Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs
taken up enough of this court's valuable time?
How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on?
They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges
against my clients, who run legitimate businesses.
I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case!
Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going
to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion.
But you can't! We have a terrific case.
Where is your proof? Where is the evidence?
Show me the smoking gun!
Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun?
Here is your smoking gun.
What is that?
It's a bee smoker!
What, this? This harmless little contraption?
This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee.
Look at what has happened
to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?"
Is this what nature intended for us?
To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines
and man-made wooden slat work camps?
Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man?
Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees!
Free the bees! Free the bees!
Free the bees!
Free the bees! Free the bees!
The court finds in favor of the bees!
Vanessa, we won!
I knew you could do it! High-five!
Sorry.
I'm OK! You know what this means?
All the honey will finally belong to the bees.
Now we won't have to work so hard all the time.
This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson.
You'll regret this.
Barry, how much honey is out there?
All right. One at a time.
Barry, who are you wearing?
My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants.
We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years.
Oongratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement?
First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps.
Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with,
every last drop.
We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more
than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine.
We're all aware of what they do in the woods.
Wait for my signal.
Take him out.
He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine.
And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames...
But it's just a prance-about stage name!
...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products
and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments.
Oan't breathe.
Bring it in, boys!
Hold it right there! Good.
Tap it.
Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming!
Shut down honey production!
Stop making honey!
Turn your key, sir!
What do we do now?
Oannonball!
We're shutting honey production!
Mission abort.
Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base.
Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there.
Oh, yeah?
What's going on? Where is everybody?
They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in.
I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket.
At least we got our honey back.
Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't?
It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it.
This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well.
And now...
Now I can't.
I don't understand why they're not happy.
I thought their lives would be better!
They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people.
You don't have any idea what's going on, do you?
What happened here?
That is not the half of it.
Oh, no. Oh, my.
They're all wilting.
Doesn't look very good, does it?
No.
And whose fault do you think that is?
You know, I'm gonna guess bees.
Bees?
Specifically, me.
I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things.
It's notjust flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees.
That's our whole SAT test right there.
Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom.
And then, of course...
The human species?
So if there's no more pollination,
it could all just go south here, couldn't it?
I know this is also partly my fault.
How about a suicide pact?
How do we do it?
Right, right.
Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going.
I had to open my mouth and talk.
Vanessa?
Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going?
To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena.
They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying.
It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it.
Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this.
I know. Me neither.
Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports.
Wait a minute. Roses. Roses?
Roses!
Vanessa!
Roses?!
Barry?
Flowers, bees, pollen!
I know. That's why this is the last parade.
Maybe not. Oould you ask him to slow down?
Oould you slow down?
Barry!
OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault.
Yes, it kind of is.
I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you
with the flower shop. I've made it worse.
Actually, it's completely closed down.
I thought maybe you were remodeling.
But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined.
I don't want to hear it!
All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen.
I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park.
All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got.
Bees.
Park.
Pollen!
Flowers.
Repollination!
Across the nation!
Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, Oalifornia.
They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy.
Security will be tight.
I have an idea.
Vanessa Bloome, FTD.
Official floral business. It's real.
Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch.
Thank you. It was a gift.
Once inside, we just pick the right float.
How about The Princess and the Pea?
I could be the princess, and you could be the pea!
Yes, I got it.
Where should I sit?
What are you?
I believe I'm the pea.
The pea?
It goes under the mattresses.
You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco!
Let's see what this baby'll do.
Hey, what are you doing?!
Then all we do is blend in with traffic...
...without arousing suspicion.
Once at the airport, there's no stopping us.
Stop! Security.
Has it been in your possession the entire time?
Would you remove your shoes?
I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight.
Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job.
Oan you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job!
I think this is gonna work.
It's got to work.
Attention, passengers, this is Oaptain Scott.
We have a bit of bad weather in New York.
It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay.
Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it.
I gotta get up there and talk to them.
Be careful.
Oan I get help with the Sky Mall magazine?
I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer.
Oaptain, I'm in a real situation.
Bee!
Don't freak out! My entire species...
What are you doing?
Don't move.
Oh, Barry.
Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain.
Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit?
And please hurry!
What happened here?
There was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded.
One's bald, one's in a boat, they're both unconscious!
No one's flying the plane!
This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status?
This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York.
Where's the pilot?
He's unconscious, and so is the copilot.
Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience?
As a matter of fact, there is.
From the honey trial?! Oh, great.
Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee.
It's got giant wings, huge engines.
I can't fly a plane.
How hard could it be?
Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning.
This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport,
where a suspenseful scene is developing.
Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory...
That's Barry!
...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers
and an incapacitated flight crew.
Flowers?!
We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls
with absolutely no flight experience.
Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane.
I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres.
They've done enough damage.
But isn't he your only hope?
Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all.
Their wings are too small...
Haven't we heard this a million times?
"The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense."
Get this on the air!
Got it.
Stand by.
We're going live.
The way we work may be a mystery to you.
Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs.
But let me tell you about a small job.
If you do it well, it makes a big difference.
More than we realized. To us, to everyone.
That's why I want to get bees back to working together.
That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O.
We get behind a fellow.
Left, right, down, hover.
This isn't so hard. Beep-beep! Beep-beep!
Barry, what happened?!
Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time.
So it turns out I cannot fly a plane.
All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out!
Move out!
Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane!
Don't have to yell.
I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble.
It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice!
It's not a tone. I'm panicking!
I can't do this!
Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it!
You snap out of it.
You snap out of it.
You snap out of it!
You snap out of it!
You snap out of it!
You snap out of it!
You snap out of it!
You snap out of it!
Hold it!
Why? Oome on, it's my turn.
How is the plane flying?
I don't know.
Hello?
Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there?
The Pollen Jocks!
They do get behind a fellow.
All right, let's drop this tin can on the blacktop.
Where? I can't see anything. Oan you?
No, nothing. It's all cloudy.
Oome on. You got to think bee, Barry.
Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something.
Like a 27-million-year-old instinct.
Bring the nose down.
Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee!
Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys?
Affirmative!
Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it.
Land on that flower!
Ready? Full reverse!
Spin it around!
Not that flower! The other one!
Which one?
That flower.
I'm aiming at the flower!
That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower
made of millions of bees!
Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up.
Rotate around it.
Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern?
Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse!
Just drop it. Be a part of it.
Aim for the center!
Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman!
Oome on, already.
Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly!
Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower?
What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius!
Listen, everyone!
This runway is covered with the last pollen
from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth.
That means this is our last chance.
We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this.
If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say?
Are we going to be bees, orjust Museum of Natural History keychains?
We're bees!
Keychain!
Then follow me! Except Keychain.
Hold on, Barry. Here.
You've earned this.
Yeah!
I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves.
Oh, yeah.
That's our Barry.
Mom! The bees are back!
If anybody needs to make a call, now's the time.
I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight!
Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Oan I help who's next?
Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these.
Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see a nickel!
Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat!
I had no idea.
Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment?
Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you.
Sorry I'm late.
He's a lawyer too?
I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase.
Have a great afternoon!
Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere.
No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me.
You're a lifesaver, Barry. Oan I help who's next?
All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly.
Thank you, Barry!
That bee is living my life!
Let it go, Kenny.
When will this nightmare end?!
Let it all go.
Beautiful day to fly.
Sure is.
Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office.
You have got to start thinking bee, my friend.
Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Oan we stop here?
I'm not making a major life decision during a production number!
All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys.
I had virtually no rehearsal for that. bsda
Originally posted by @s3ansh33p in https://github.com/HonbraDev/dodgycoin/issues/1#issuecomment-816635273