earlduque
commented
1 year ago continued:
{
"joke": "What do calendars eat?",
"punchline": " DATES!"
},
{
"joke": "What do cats eat for breakfast?",
"punchline": " Mice Krispies!"
},
{
"joke": "What do clouds wear under their shorts?",
"punchline": " THUNDERPANTS!"
},
{
"joke": "What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?",
"punchline": " Polaroids."
},
{
"joke": "What do prisoners use to call each other?",
"punchline": " Cell phones."
},
{
"joke": "What do sharks say when something radical happens?",
"punchline": " JAWESOME!"
},
{
"joke": "What do you call a bear with no teeth?",
"punchline": " A gummy bear."
},
{
"joke": "What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day?",
"punchline": " A FRISBEE!"
},
{
"joke": "What do you call a cow with two legs?",
"punchline": " Lean beef, if the cow has no legs, then it's ground beef."
},
{
"joke": "What do you call a deer with no eye?",
"punchline": " NO IDEAR!"
},
{
"joke": "What do you call a dog that can do magic?",
"punchline": " A Labracadabrador."
},
{
"joke": "What do you call a factory that sells passable products?",
"punchline": " A satisfactory."
},
{
"joke": "What do you call a fake noodle?",
"punchline": " An impasta."
},
{
"joke": "What do you call a fat psychic?",
"punchline": " A four-chin teller."
},
{
"joke": "What do you call a fat psychic?",
"punchline": " A four-chin teller."
},
{
"joke": "What do you call a fish with no eye?",
"punchline": " Fssshh."
},
{
"joke": "What do you call a fish with no eyes?",
"punchline": " Fsh."
},
{
"joke": "What do you call a fish with two knees?",
"punchline": "A two-knee fish"
},
{
"joke": "What do you call a guy who never farts in public?",
"punchline": " A PRIVATE TUTOR!"
},
{
"joke": "What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?",
"punchline": " Roberto."
},
{
"joke": "What do you call a lonely cheese?",
"punchline": " Provolone."
},
{
"joke": "What do you call a man with a rubber toe?",
"punchline": " Roberto."
},
{
"joke": "What do you call a man with a rug on his head?",
"punchline": " Matt."
},
{
"joke": "What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?",
"punchline": " Bob."
},
{
"joke": "What do you call a man with no arms and no legs playing in the leaves?",
"punchline": " Russell."
},
{
"joke": "What do you call a man with no arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat?",
"punchline": " Claude."
},
{
"joke": "What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?",
"punchline": " Carlos."
},
{
"joke": "What do you call a nosy pepper?",
"punchline": " JALAPENO BUSINESS!"
},
{
"joke": "What do you call a pig that does karate?",
"punchline": " A PORK CHOP!"
},
{
"joke": "What do you call a pony's cough?",
"punchline": " A LITTLE HOARSE!"
},
{
"joke": "what do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?",
"punchline": " A SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE!"
},
{
"joke": "What do you call a sheep with no legs?",
"punchline": " A cloud."
},
{
"joke": "What do you call a sketchy Italian neighbourhood?",
"punchline": " The Spaghetto."
},
{
"joke": "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?",
"punchline": " An irrelephant."
},
{
"joke": "What do you call cheese that isn't yours?",
"punchline": " Nacho cheese."
},
{
"joke": "What do you call it when a dinosaur crashes his car?",
"punchline": " Tyrannosaurus Wrecks."
},
{
"joke": "What do you call it when you feed a stick of dynamite to a steer?",
"punchline": " Abominable! (say it out loud, slowly)"
}, {
"joke": "What do you call someone with no body and no nose?",
"punchline": " Nobody knows."
},
{
"joke": "What do you do when you see a spaceman?",
"punchline": " PARK YOUR CAR, MAN!"
},
{
"joke": "What do you do with a sick boat?",
"punchline": " TAKE IT TO THE DOC!"
},
{
"joke": "what do you do with epileptic lettuce?",
"punchline": " You make a seizure salad!"
},
{
"joke": "What do you get hanging off banana trees?",
"punchline": " Sore arms."
},
{
"joke": "What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?",
"punchline": " About halfway."
},
{
"joke": "What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?",
"punchline": " PUMPKIN PI!"
},
{
"joke": "What do you get if you drop a piano down a coal shaft?",
"punchline": " A flat minor."
},
{
"joke": "What do you get when you cross a sheep and a bee?",
"punchline": " A bah-humbug."
},
{
"joke": "What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?",
"punchline": " Frostbite."
}, {
"joke": "What do you get when you cross a tyrannosaurus rex with fireworks?",
"punchline": " DINO-MITE!"
},
{
"joke": "What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?",
"punchline": " Elephino."
},
{
"joke": "What do you get when you run over a bird with your lawnmower?",
"punchline": " Shredded tweet."
},
{
"joke": "What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?",
"punchline": " Wipes his butt."
},
{
"joke": "What does a ghost wear when it's raining outside?",
"punchline": " Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooots!"
},
{
"joke": "What does a vegan zombie eat?",
"punchline": " Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!"
},
{
"joke": "What does an angry pepper do?",
"punchline": " It gets jalapeno your face."
},
{
"joke": "What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?",
"punchline": " HE GOT A LITTLE BEHIND IN HIS WORK!"
},
{
"joke": "What happens to Pastors who eat chili dogs?",
"punchline": " They have to sit in their own pew."
},
{
"joke": "What has twenty legs and flies?",
"punchline": " Five dead Horses."
},
{
"joke": "What has twenty legs and flies?",
"punchline": " Ten pairs of pants."
},
{
"joke": "What is a shark's favorite illegal substance?",
"punchline": " Reefer!"
},
{
"joke": "What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?",
"punchline": " A ba-na-na-na."
}, {
"joke": "What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink?",
"punchline": " WATAAAAARR!"
}, {
"joke": "What is invisible and smells like carrots?",
"punchline": " Rabbit farts."
}, {
"joke": "What is the definition of a good farmer?",
"punchline": " A MAN OUTSTANDING IN HIS FIELD!"
}, {
"joke": "What is the richest country in the world?",
"punchline": " Ireland, its capital is always Dublin."
}, {
"joke": "What kind of flower is on your face?",
"punchline": " Tulips!"
}, {
"joke": "What kind of guns do bees use?",
"punchline": " BeeBee guns."
}, {
"joke": "What kind of horses go out after dusk?",
"punchline": " Nightmares!"
}, {
"joke": "What kind of music do chiropractors listen to?",
"punchline": " HIP-POP!"
}, {
"joke": "What lies on the ocean floor and shivers?",
"punchline": " A nervous wreck."
}, {
"joke": "What time did the man go to the dentist?",
"punchline": " Tooth hurt-y."
}, {
"joke": "What time did the man go to the dentist?",
"punchline": " Tooth hurt-y."
}, {
"joke": "What type of music do mummies listen to?",
"punchline": " WRAP MUSIC!"
}, {
"joke": "What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?",
"punchline": " BANANANAAAAAA!"
}, {
"joke": "What was Beethoven's fifth favorite fruit?",
"punchline": " Ba-na-na-na."
}, {
"joke": "What was T-Rex's favorite number?",
"punchline": " Ate!"
}, {
"joke": "What washes up on tiny beaches?",
"punchline": " MICROWAVES!"
}, {
"joke": "What's a pirate's favorite letter?",
"punchline": " It be the Sea."
}, {
"joke": "What's big, red, and eats rocks?",
"punchline": " A big, red, rock-eater."
}, {
"joke": "What's brown and sticky?",
"punchline": " A stick."
}, {
"joke": "What's Forrest Gump's password?",
"punchline": " 1forrest1."
}, {
"joke": "What's it called when you lend money to a bison?",
"punchline": " A BUFFA-LOAN!"
}, {
"joke": "What's the advantage of living in Switzerland?",
"punchline": " Well, the flag is a big plus."
}, {
"joke": "What's the best part about living in Switzerland?",
"punchline": " I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."
}, {
"joke": "What's the best way to carve wood?",
"punchline": " Whittle by whittle."
}, {
"joke": "What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?",
"punchline": " One is heavy, and the other is a little lighter."
}, {
"joke": "What's the difference between a jeweller and a prison warden?",
"punchline": " One sells watches, and the other watches cells."
}, {
"joke": "What's the difference between a well dressed man on a a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle?",
"punchline": " Attire!"
}, {
"joke": "What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield?",
"punchline": " Its butt."
}, {
"joke": "What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?",
"punchline": " Finding half a worm."
}, {
"joke": "Where are average things built?",
"punchline": " In the satisfactory."
}, {
"joke": "Where are the Andes?",
"punchline": " At the end of your armies."
}, {
"joke": "Where did Napoleon keep his armies?",
"punchline": " Up his sleevies."
}, {
"joke": "Where does George Washington keep his armies?",
"punchline": " In his sleevies."
}, {
"joke": "Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?",
"punchline": " THE OUTSIDE!"
}, {
"joke": "Who does a pharaoh talk to when he's sad?",
"punchline": " His mummy."
}, {
"joke": "Who is the quickest draw in the ocean?",
"punchline": " Billy the Squid."
}, {
"joke": "Why are all the frogs around here dead?",
"punchline": " 'Cause they keep croaking!"
}, {
"joke": "Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?",
"punchline": " Because the pee is silent."
}, {
"joke": "Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom?",
"punchline": " Because the P is silent."
}, {
"joke": "Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?",
"punchline": " Because of his coffin."
}, {
"joke": "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?",
"punchline": " It was two tired."
}, {
"joke": "Why couldn't the bike standup by itself?",
"punchline": " It was two tired."
}, {
"joke": "Why did Cinderella get kicked off the softball team?",
"punchline": " Because she ran away from the ball!"
}, {
"joke": "Why did Simba's father die?",
"punchline": " Because he couldn't Mufasa!"
}, {
"joke": "Why did the banana go to the doctors'?",
"punchline": " He wasn't peeling very well."
}, {
"joke": "Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?",
"punchline": "Because he was a little horse!"
}, {
"joke": "Why did the coffee file a police report?",
"punchline": " It got mugged."
}, {
"joke": "Why did the cookie cry?",
"punchline": " Because his mother was a wafer so long!"
}, {
"joke": "Why did the cookie go to the hospital?",
"punchline": " Be cause he felt crummy."
}, {
"joke": "Why did the cowboy adopt a weiner dog?",
"punchline": " He wanted to get a long little doggy!"
}, {
"joke": "Why did the crab never share?",
"punchline": " Because he's shellfish."
}, {
"joke": "Why did the elephants get kicked out of the public pool?",
"punchline": " THEY KEPT DROPPING THEIR TRUNKS!"
}, {
"joke": "Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?",
"punchline": " In case he got a hole-in-one."
}, {
"joke": "Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?",
"punchline": " He couldn't see himself doing it."
}, {
"joke": "Why did the man dump ground beef on his head?",
"punchline": " He wanted a meatier shower!"
}, {
"joke": "Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?",
"punchline": " Because it was well armed."
}, {
"joke": "Why did the pirate go to the Caribbean?",
"punchline": " He wanted some arr and arr."
}, {
"joke": "Why did the police officer smell?",
"punchline": " Because he was on duty."
}, {
"joke": "Why did the rapper carry an umbrella?",
"punchline": " Fo' drizzle."
}, {
"joke": "Why did the scarecrow win an award?",
"punchline": " Because he was outstanding in his field."
}, {
"joke": "Why did the skeleton go to the party alone?",
"punchline": " He had no body to go with him!"
}, {
"joke": "Why did the teddy bear say 'no' to dessert?",
"punchline": " Because she was stuffed."
}, {
"joke": "Why didn't the melons get married?",
"punchline": " Because they cantaloupe!"
}, {
"joke": "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift?",
"punchline": " She had bad blood."
}, {
"joke": "Why do bakers work so hard?",
"punchline": " They knead the dough."
}, {
"joke": "Why do chicken coops only have two doors?",
"punchline": " Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!"
}, {
"joke": "Why do chicken coops only have two doors?",
"punchline": " Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans."
}, {
"joke": "Why do crabs never give to charity?",
"punchline": " Because they're shellfish."
}, {
"joke": "Why do milking stools only have three legs?",
"punchline": " 'Cause the cow's got the udder!"
}, {
"joke": "Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?",
"punchline": " Because they're so good at it."
}, {
"joke": "Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?",
"punchline": " Because it's a little meteor."
}, {
"joke": "Why don't blind people go skydiving?",
"punchline": " Because it scares the bejesus out of the dogs!"
}, {
"joke": "Why is the ocean blue?",
"punchline": " Because all the little fish go blu, blu blu."
}, {
"joke": "no gam bling in Africa?",
"punchline": " Too many Cheetahs!"
}, {
"joke": "Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?",
"punchline": " BECAUSE IT'S POINTLESS!"
}, {
"joke": "Why was the sa nd wet?",
"punchline": " Because the sea weed!"
}, {
"joke": "Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure?",
"punchline": " Because he was a little shellfish."
}, {
"joke": "Dad, can you put the cat out?",
"punchline": "I didn't know it was on fire."
}, {
"joke": "What's a total rip-off?",
"punchline": " Velcro."
}, {
"joke": "Cashier: Would like the milk in a bag?",
"punchline": " No, just leave it in the carton!"
}, {
"joke": "What did Elsa do to the balloon?",
"punchline": " She let it go."
}, {
"joke": "How do I look?",
"punchline": " With your eyes."
}, {
"joke": "Slept like a log last night.",
"punchline": " Woke up in the fireplace."
}, {
"joke": "So, I heard this pun about cows, but it's kinda offensive so I won't say it.",
"punchline": "I don't want there to be any beef between us."
}, {
"joke": "I'll call you later.",
"punchline": "Don't call me later, call me Dad."
}, {
"joke": "I'm sorry.",
"punchline": "Hi sorry, I'm dad"
}, {
"joke": "A beekeeper was indicted after he confessed to years of stealing at work.",
"punchline": " They charged him with emBEEzlement."
}, {
"joke": "A book just fell on my head.",
"punchline": " I only have my shelf to blame."
}, {
"joke": "A doll was recentlyfound dead in a rice paddy.",
"punchline": " It's the only known instance of a nick nack paddy wack."
}, {
"joke": "A furniture store keeps calling me.",
"punchline": " All I wanted was one night stand."
}, {
"joke": "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.",
"punchline": "The bartender looks at him and says, \"Sorry we don't serve food here."
}, {
"joke": "A horse walks into a bar.",
"punchline": " The bar tender says 'Hey', The horse says 'Sure.'"
}, {
"joke": "A magician was driving down the road..",
"punchline": "then he turned into a drive way."
}, {
"joke": "A man is washing the car with his son.",
"punchline": " The son asks, \"Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
}, {
"joke": "A man tried to sell me a coffin today.",
"punchline": " I told him that's the last thing I need."
}, {
"joke": "A man walked in to a bar with some asphalt on his arm.",
"punchline": " He said 'Two beers please, one for me and one for the road.'"
}, {
"joke": "A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips.",
"punchline": " The barman replies 'sorry mate we only do plain'."
}, {
"joke": "A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.",
"punchline": " He was charged with shoplifting on two counts."
}, {
"joke": "A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery.",
"punchline": " He charged one and let the other one off."
}, {
"joke": "A quick shoutout to all of the sidewalks out there...",
"punchline": " Thanks for keeping me off the streets."
}, {
"joke": "A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean.",
"punchline": " Apparently the survivors are marooned."
}, {
"joke": "Americans can't switch from pounds to kilograms overnight.",
"punchline": " That would cause mass confusion."
}, {
"joke": "An apple a day keeps the bullies away.",
"punchline": " If you throw it ha rd enough."
}, {
"joke": "Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.",
"punchline": " Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow."
}, {
"joke": "Don't buy flowers at a monastery.",
"punchline": " Because only you can prevent florist friars."
}, {
"joke": "Don't tell secrets in corn fields.",
"punchline": " Too many ears around."
}, {
"joke": "Don't trust atoms.",
"punchline": " They make up everything! "
}, {
"joke": "Don't interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle.",
"punchline": " Chances are, you'll hear some crosswords."
}, {
"joke": "Every machine in the coin factory broke down all of a sudden without explanation.",
"punchline": " It just doesn't make any cents."
}, {
"joke": "Feeling pretty proud of myself.",
"punchline": " The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months."
}, {
"joke": "Found out I was colour blind the other day...",
"punchline": " That one came right out the purple."
}, {
"joke": "Guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under arm.",
"punchline": "Says to the bartender: \"I'll take a beer, and one for the road.\""
}, {
"joke": "I am terrified of elevators.",
"punchline": " I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them."
}, {
"joke": "I applied to be a doorman but didn't get the job due to lack of experience.",
"punchline": " That surprised me, I thought it was an entry level position."
}, {
"joke": "I asked the checkout girl for a date.",
"punchline": " She said \"They're in the fruit aisle next to the bananas\"."
}, {
"joke": "I ate a clock yesterday.",
"punchline": " It was so time consuming."
}, {
"joke": "I bought shoes from a drug dealer once.",
"punchline": " I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day."
}, {
"joke": "I couldn't figure out how the seat belt worked.",
"punchline": " Then it just clicked."
}, {
"joke": "I couldn't get a reservation at the library.",
"punchline": " They were booked. "
}, {
"joke": "I cut my finger cutting cheese.",
"punchline": " I know it may be a cheesy story but I feel grate now."
}, {
"joke": "I decided to sell my Hoover...",
"punchline": " well it was just collecting dust."
}, {
"joke": "I don't trust stairs.",
"punchline": " They're always up to something."
}, {
"joke": "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport.",
"punchline": " I'm just doing it for kicks."
}, {
"joke": "I had a dream that I was a muffler last night.",
"punchline": " I woke up exhausted!"
}, {
"joke": "I just swapped our bed for a trampoline.",
"punchline": " My wife hit the roof."
}, {
"joke": "I just watched a documentary about beavers.",
"punchline": " It was the best dam show I've ever seen."
}, {
"joke": "I made a belt out of watches once...",
"punchline": " It was a waist of time."
}, {
"joke": "I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop signing \"I'm A Believer\"...",
"punchline": " Then I saw her face."
}, {
"joke": "I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.",
"punchline": " It was sole destroying."
}, {
"joke": "I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.",
"punchline": "I wasn't putting in enough shifts."
}, {
"joke": "I was interrogated over the theft of a grilled cheese sandwich.",
"punchline": " Man, they really grilled me."
}, {
"joke": "I was just looking at my ceiling.",
"punchline": " Not sure if it's the best ceiling in the world, but it's definitely up there."
}, {
"joke": "I wish I could clean mirrors for a living.",
"punchline": " It's just something I can see myself doing"
}, {
"joke": "I would avoid the sushi if I was you.",
"punchline": " It's a little fishy."
}, {
"joke": "I'll call you later.",
"punchline": " Don't call me later, call me Dad."
}, {
"joke": "I'll tell you what often gets over looked...",
"punchline": " garden fences."
}, {
"joke": "I've deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone.",
"punchline": " Now it's Hans free."
}, {
"joke": "I've just written a song about a tortilla.",
"punchline": " Well, it is more of a rap really."
}, {
"joke": "I've never gone to a gun range before.",
"punchline": " I decided to give it a shot!"
}, {
"joke": "I'm on a whiskey diet.",
"punchline": " I've lost three days already."
}, {
"joke": "I've deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone.",
"punchline": " Now it's Hans free."
}, {
"joke": "If you're struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas.",
"punchline": " Get them a fridge, and watch their face light up when they open it."
}, {
"joke": "It doesn't matter how much you push the envelope.",
"punchline": " It will still be stationary."
}, {
"joke": "It wa s raining catsand dogs the o ther day.",
"punchline": " I almost stepped in a poodle."
}, {
"joke": "Just read a few facts about frogs.",
"punchline": " They were ribbiting."
}, {
"joke": "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three movies back to back.",
"punchline": " Luckily I was the one facing the TV."
}, {
"joke": "Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth.",
"punchline": " It's pasteurized before you even see it."
}, {
"joke": "My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture.",
"punchline": " I have a hunch, it might be me."
}, {
"joke": "My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together...",
"punchline": " I totally nailed it!"
}, {
"joke": "My cat just threw up on the carpet.",
"punchline": " I don't think it's feline well."
}, {
"joke": "My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.",
"punchline": " The second time let me down."
}, {
"joke": "My new thesaurus is terrible.",
"punchline": " In fact, it's so bad, I'd say it's terrible."
}, {
"joke": "My pet mouse 'Elvis' died last night.",
"punchline": " He was caught in a trap."
}, {
"joke": "My son asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public.",
"punchline": " I said maybe."
}, {
"joke": "My wife told me to rub the herbs on the meat for better flavor.",
"punchline": " That's sage advice."
}, {
"joke": "Never take advice from electrons.",
"punchline": " They are always negative."
}, {
"joke": "People don't like having to bend over to get their drinks.",
"punchline": " We really need to raise the bar."
}, {
"joke": "RIP boiled water.",
"punchline": " You will be mist."
}, {
"joke": "Singin gin the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.",
"punchline": " Then it's a soap opera."
}, {
"joke": "The word queue is ironic.",
"punchline": " It's just q with a bunch of silent letters waiting in line."
}, {
"joke": "There's not really any training for garbagemen.",
"punchline": " They just pick things up as they go."
}, {
"joke": "They tried to make a diamond shaped like a duck.",
"punchline": " It quacked under the pressure."
}, {
"joke": "To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket...",
"punchline": " You can hide but you can't run."
}, {
"joke": "This is my step ladder.",
"punchline": " I never knew my real ladder."
}, {
"joke": "Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.",
"punchline": " I gave him a glass of water."
}, {
"joke": "Two satell ites decided to get married.",
"punchline": " The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible."
}, {
"joke": "You can't run through a camp site.",
"punchline": " You can only ran, because it's past tents."
}, {
"joke": "You can't trust a ladder.",
"punchline": " It will always let you down."
}, {
"joke": "Put the cat out.",
"punchline": "I didn't realize it was on fire."
}, {
"joke": "I've broken my arm in several places.",
"punchline": " Well don't go to those places."
}, {
"joke": "As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.",
"punchline": " The plot thickens."
}, {
"joke": "I had a rough day, and then somebody went and ripped the front and back pages from my dictionary.",
"punchline": " It just goes from bad to worse."
}, {
"joke": "I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it.",
"punchline": " It was a shitzu."
}, {
"joke": "Man, I really love my furniture...",
"punchline": " me and my recliner go way back."
}, {
"joke": "My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of stuff.",
"punchline": " It is enough to make a mango crazy."
}, {
"joke": "Past, present, and future walked into a bar....",
"punchline": " It was tense."
}, {
"joke": "Some people say that comedians who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out, but they don't know watt they are talking about.",
"punchline": " They're not that bright."
}, {
"joke": "The other day I was listening to a song about superglue.",
"punchline": "It's been stuck in my head ever since."
}, {
"joke": "The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.",
"punchline": " She still isn't talking to me."
}, {
"joke": "I was in an 80's band called the prevention.",
"punchline": " We were better than the cure."
}, {
"joke": "I'm only familiar with 25 letters in the English language.",
"punchline": " I don't know why."
}, {
"joke": "Hostess: Do you have a preference of where you sit?",
"punchline": " Dad: Down."
}, {
"joke": "Mom: I'm going to jump in the shower.",
"punchline": " Dad: It's probably safer if you just stand."
}, {
"joke": "Nurse: Doctor, there's a patient that says he's invisible.",
"punchline": " Doctor: Well, tell him I can't see him right now!"
}, {
"joke": "There's two fish in a tank.",
"punchline": " One turns to thend says'You man the guns, I'll drive'"
}, {
"joke": "Child :Dad, make me a sandwich.",
"punchline": " Dad: Poof, You're a sandwich."
}, {
"joke": "I knew i shouldn't have ate that seafood.",
"punchline": " Because now I'm feeling a little, Eel."
}, {
"joke": "I went to a Foo Fighters Concert once...",
"punchline": " It was Everlong."
}, {
"joke": "They're making a movie about clocks.",
"punchline": " It's about time."
}, {
"joke": "Dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type.",
"punchline": " I will never forget his last words, 'Be positive.'"
}, {
"joke": "Two goldfish are in a tank.",
"punchline": " One says to the other, 'do you know how to drive this thing?'"
}, {
"joke": "People saying 'boo to their friends has risen by 85% in the last year.",
"punchline": " That's a frightening statistic."
}, {
"joke": "Ben and Jerry's really need to improve their operation.",
"punchline": " The only way to get there is down a rocky road."
}, {
"joke": "I was at the library and asked if they have any books on 'paranoia.'",
"punchline": " The librarian replied, 'yes, they are right behind you.'"
}, {
"joke": "My friend said to me 'What rhymes with orange?'",
"punchline": " I said: 'no it doesn't'."
}, {
"joke": "A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender \"I'll have a Scotch and . . . . .Coke thank you.\".The bartender replies and asks \"Sure thing, but what's with the big pause?\"",
"punchline": "The panda holds up his hands and says \"I was born with them\""
}, {
"joke": "A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, \"First offender?\"",
"punchline": "She says, \"No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!\""
}, {
"joke": "Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news? Patient: Good news please.",
"punchline": "Doctor: we're naming a disease after you."
}, {
"joke": "\"My Dog has no nose.\" \"How does he smell?\"",
"punchline": "Awful"
}, {
"joke": "Wife: Honey I'm pregnant. Me: Well... what do we do now? Wife: Well, I guess we should go to a baby doctor.",
"punchline": "Me: Hm..I think I'd be a lot more comfortable going to an adult doctor."
}, {
"joke": "Sgt.: Commissar!C ommissar! The troops are revolting!",
"punchline": "Commissar: Well, you're pretty repulsive yourself."
}, {
"joke": "What did the Island Gobbling Sea Monster say?",
"punchline": "These islands aren't Philippine me up. I need Samoa Tahiti!"
}, {
"joke": "Me : If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?",
"punchline": "Doctor: No,hu mans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle."
}, {
"joke": "A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "A butcher accidentally backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work that day.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "A cannibal is someone who is fed up with people.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "A cannibal went for a walk and he passed his brother.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "A drum and a cymbal fall off a cliff...",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "A magician was driving down the street and then he turned into a driveway.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours, so they decided to call it a day.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "Doorbells, don't knock 'em.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "Why do so many people with laser hair want to get it removed?",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "Geology rocks, but Geography is where it's at!",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "Have you heard about the film \"Constipation\", you probably haven't because it's not out yet.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I broke my finger at work today, on the other hand I'm completely fine.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I gave all my dead batteries away today, free of charge.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I got a reversible jacket for Christmas, I can't wait to see how it turns out.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I got fired from a florist, apparently I took too many leaves.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I hate perforated lines, they're tearable.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I just got fired from a florist, apparently I took too many leaves.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I knew I shouldn't steal a mixer from work, but it was a whisk I was willing to take.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I really want to buy one of those supermarket checkout dividers, but the cashier keeps putting it back.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I tried taking some high resolution photos of local farmland, but they all turned out a bit grainy.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but Iturned myself around.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I was going to learn how to juggle, but I didn't have the balls.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I was so proud when I finished the puzzle in six months, when on the side it said three to four years.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I was thinking about moving to Moscow but there is no point Russian into things.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I went to the doctor today and he told me I had type A blood, but it was a type O.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is not for you!",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "If you want a job in the moisturizer industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "It's difficult to say what my wife does, she sells sea shells by the sea shore.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "Leather is great for sneaking around because it's made of hide.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "My New Years resolution is to stop leaving things so late.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "My sea sickness comes in waves.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "Our wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "People keep making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "People who don't eat gluten are really going against the grain.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "Recent survey revealed 6 out of 7 dwarf's aren't happy.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "Remember, the best angle to approach a problem from is the \"try\" angle.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "Shout out to my grandma, that's the only way she can hear.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "Sore throats are a pain in the neck!",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "The great thing about stationery shops is they're always in the same place...",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "The rotation of earth really makes my day.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "This furniture store keeps emailing me, all I wanted was one night stand!",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "This morning I was wondering where the sun was, but then it dawned on me.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "To be Frank, I'd have to change my name.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I'm sure I've never met herbivore.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"jo ke": "Two dyslexics walk into a bra.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"jo ke": "Two guys walked into a bar, the third one ducked.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "When Dad drops a pea off of his plate, 'oh dear I've pee'd on the table!'",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "Whenever I want to start eating healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "Whiteboards are remarkable.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "Whoever invented the knock-knock joke should get a no bell prize.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "Without geometry life is pointless.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "Writing with a broken pencil is pointless.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "You know what they say about cliffhangers...",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "A baby seal walks into a club... ",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "A ghost walks into a bar and asks for a glass of vodka but the bar tender says",
"punchline": "sorry we don't serve spirits"
}, {
"joke": "A neutron walks into a bar and asks \"how much for a beer?\" The bartender says;",
"punchline": "for you? no charge."
}, {
"joke": "A Sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender says \"Sorry, we don't serve food here\"",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "Doctor you've got to help me, I'm addicted to Twitter. Doctor: I don't follow you.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "Egyptians claimed to invent the guitar, but they were such lyres.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "Every night at 11:11, I make a wish that someone will come fix my broken clock.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I fear for the calendar, it's days are numbered.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I got an A on my origami assignment when I turned my paper into my teacher",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I used to be a banker but I lost interest",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I was going to get a brain transplant, but I changed my mind",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I'll tell you something about German sausages, they're the wurst",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "I've just been reading a book about anti-gravity, it's impossible to put down!",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "If two vegans are having an argument, is it still considered beef?",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "If you walk into a forest and cut down a tree, but the tree doesn't understand why you cut it down, do you think it's stumped?",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they take everything literally.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "Mountains aren't just funny, they are hill areas",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself;",
"punchline": "This changes everything."
}, {
"joke": "The invention of the wheel was what got things rolling",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "There's a new type of broom out, it's sweeping the nation.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says, \"How do you drive this thing?\"",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "5/4 of people admit that they're bad with fractions.",
"punchline": null
}, {
"joke": "*Reversing the car*",
"punchline": "Ah, this takes me back"
}, {
"joke": "A Mexican magician says he'll disappear on the count of 3; \"Uno... dos... poof...\".",
"punchline": "He disappeared without a tres."
}, {
"joke": "Conjunctivitis.com",
"punchline": "Now that's a site for sore eyes.",
}, {
"joke": "I'm reading a book on the history of glue",
"punchline": "Can't put it down."
}, {
"joke": "So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says \"Give me some chap-stick\"",
"punchline": "and put it on my bill"
}, {
"joke": "Two muffins were sitting in an oven, and the first looks over to the second, and says, \"man, it's really hot in here.\"",
"punchline": "The second looks over at the first with a surprised look, and answers, \"WHOA, a talking muffin!\""
}, {
"joke": "When an ambulance zips past with its siren blaring",
"punchline": "They won't sell much ice cream driving that fast."
}
];
var random = Math.floor(Math.random() * jokes.length);
var send_chat = new SlackFall().send_chat(current.channel, jokes[random].joke, false, '', current.thread_ts);
if (jokes[random].punchline){
var new_thread = JSON.parse(send_chat.getBody());
//gs.sleep(3000);
var send_chat2 = new SlackFall().send_chat(current.channel, jokes[random].punchline , false, '', new_thread.message.ts);
}
}
})(current, previous);
DavidArthurCole
old script: