thanks for the draft. This is a good start, but I believe there will still be a good amount
of work required to shape the presentation. In particular, some times you mix different
aspects of motivation, background and contributions/system in paragraphs in a way that makes
text repetitive or makes it hard to understand the logical flow or the line of argument that you
are trying to make. I believe that it will be very important to fix these aspects in order to improve the
exposition/presentation, which may require a partial restructuring of the paper and checking the
paragraphs for what argument they are making, and what the logical structure and line of thought
in each paragraph is. This is true for the entire paper, but in particular important for abstract, introduction,
and conclusion.
Enclosed find my comments to the paper highlighted in the PDF.
Some general comments:
Try to be specific and avoid generic, commonplace statements in the text, e.g., about the market sizes of certain industries, if that is not relevant to your paper
Try to avoid verbosity, be precise, succint, short
Have one line of thought/argument in a paragraph, with a logical sequence of sentences. Start a new paragraph when you have a new line of thought/argument.
Avoid long sentences with complicated structure, rather keep sentences short and succint.
In particular be sure that the abstracts covers all key points (what, why, how, what impact) .
Similarly, be sure that the introduction covers all key points, where in addition to motivation and the key points (what, why, how, what impact) you also need to stress „your contributions“ and
„how is it different from key prior work“
Avoid repetitions
Iterate a couple of more times with Tilmann to improve the overall text quality
In general, I would ask you to look into the following language/grammar issues in your paper (refer to „Bugs in Writing“ if you need more information on that besides my markup in the paper):
Use of definite, indefinite vs. no article
Avoid passive voice when possible
User verbal style instead of nominal style when possible
Split long sentences
Check where and when to put commas
Avoiding „to do“ for more elaborate verbs (e.g., conduct, perform, carry out, execute)
Similarly consider avoiding „get“ , „put“, or „make“ in favor of more elaborate verbs
Make sure to correctly use the verb „to allow“
Do not use references as subjects or objects in sentences
Use prepositions instead of compounding nouns
Use „of“ to build the genitive as opposed to „‘s“
If you use „This“, „it“, or other anaphora to refer to the prior sentence, be sure that the object/noun it refers to is well defined and not ambiguous
Define abbreviations when they occur the first time
Be sure to know the difference between „among“ and „between“
You will find examples of these issues highlighted in the PDF with solutions proposals, but there are more of those issues present in the paper than I have
highlighted. Therefore please read the entire text having these issues in mind, and rework as needed.
Please send me another version three days before the submission deadline.
Dear Behrouz,
thanks for the draft. This is a good start, but I believe there will still be a good amount of work required to shape the presentation. In particular, some times you mix different aspects of motivation, background and contributions/system in paragraphs in a way that makes text repetitive or makes it hard to understand the logical flow or the line of argument that you are trying to make. I believe that it will be very important to fix these aspects in order to improve the exposition/presentation, which may require a partial restructuring of the paper and checking the paragraphs for what argument they are making, and what the logical structure and line of thought in each paragraph is. This is true for the entire paper, but in particular important for abstract, introduction, and conclusion.
Enclosed find my comments to the paper highlighted in the PDF.
Some general comments:
In general, I would ask you to look into the following language/grammar issues in your paper (refer to „Bugs in Writing“ if you need more information on that besides my markup in the paper):
You will find examples of these issues highlighted in the PDF with solutions proposals, but there are more of those issues present in the paper than I have highlighted. Therefore please read the entire text having these issues in mind, and rework as needed.
Please send me another version three days before the submission deadline.
Best,
Volker