problems I found in order of appearance. MAJOR items definitely need to be fixed, everything else is pretty much opinion.
Page 1 Column 2
"all kind of events" - should be "all kinds of" though I think both are allowed, the former is not commonly used.
Page 2 Column 1
MAJOR: "In addition to the deciding which applications to use" - remove "the"
"make it look and work as you like" - this is technically correct but will sound odd to native english speakers. They would say something like "however you choose" "the way you want" or "however you like".
MAJOR: "customize what services are loaded on startup and more so your session can be crafted to meet your requirements" - needs a comma between "more" and "so"
MAJOR: "Finally, Xubuntu partners with a project" - what project? this is an odd thing to say if you don't say what project or how partnering helps.
Also the whole final paragraph is a run-on sentence.
Page 2 Column 2
MAJOR: "produce unified and simple experience" - should be "produce A unified..."
"Xfce stands for “XForms Common Environment” - irrelevant
MAJOR: "and been polished by seventeen years of" - should be "and HAS been"
Page 2 Column 3
MAJOR: "install new software, " - no comma needed here
MAJOR "such as new games, " - don't repeat "new" here. "install software such as new games, ..." or "install new software such as games, ..."
MAJOR: "The word Ubuntu is an ancient African term" - Is it really ancient? Wikipedia says "The term ubuntu appears in South African sources from as early as the mid-19th century." The 19th century is certainly not ancient, more importantly the word still seems to be in use today.
MAJOR: "Programs from other desktop environments can be used with Xubuntu, it is designed to be flexible" - full stop new sentence here instead of the comma.
"However, bringing in programs from GNOME or KDE introduces dependencies, which can slow down the Xubuntu experience, which has become known for being stable and speedy." - run on sentence, and makes Xubuntu sound kinda crappy. I wouldn't write this on the flyer at all.
"Some software also offers downloadable “.deb” files for Ubuntu on their websites, these can almost always be used for Xubuntu too!" - Using the word "software" in this way is a geek colloquialism. It should be "some software projects" or "some software is available as" or "some software is offered as".
Launchpad Details: #LP1501113 Alistair Buxton - 2015-09-30 00:20:38 +0000
problems I found in order of appearance. MAJOR items definitely need to be fixed, everything else is pretty much opinion.
Page 1 Column 2
"all kind of events" - should be "all kinds of" though I think both are allowed, the former is not commonly used.
Page 2 Column 1
MAJOR: "In addition to the deciding which applications to use" - remove "the"
"make it look and work as you like" - this is technically correct but will sound odd to native english speakers. They would say something like "however you choose" "the way you want" or "however you like".
MAJOR: "customize what services are loaded on startup and more so your session can be crafted to meet your requirements" - needs a comma between "more" and "so"
MAJOR: "Finally, Xubuntu partners with a project" - what project? this is an odd thing to say if you don't say what project or how partnering helps.
Also the whole final paragraph is a run-on sentence.
Page 2 Column 2
MAJOR: "produce unified and simple experience" - should be "produce A unified..."
"Xfce stands for “XForms Common Environment” - irrelevant
MAJOR: "and been polished by seventeen years of" - should be "and HAS been"
Page 2 Column 3
MAJOR: "install new software, " - no comma needed here
MAJOR "such as new games, " - don't repeat "new" here. "install software such as new games, ..." or "install new software such as games, ..."
MAJOR: "The word Ubuntu is an ancient African term" - Is it really ancient? Wikipedia says "The term ubuntu appears in South African sources from as early as the mid-19th century." The 19th century is certainly not ancient, more importantly the word still seems to be in use today.
MAJOR: "Programs from other desktop environments can be used with Xubuntu, it is designed to be flexible" - full stop new sentence here instead of the comma.
"However, bringing in programs from GNOME or KDE introduces dependencies, which can slow down the Xubuntu experience, which has become known for being stable and speedy." - run on sentence, and makes Xubuntu sound kinda crappy. I wouldn't write this on the flyer at all.
"Some software also offers downloadable “.deb” files for Ubuntu on their websites, these can almost always be used for Xubuntu too!" - Using the word "software" in this way is a geek colloquialism. It should be "some software projects" or "some software is available as" or "some software is offered as".