The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You, Elaine N. Aron (68%)

Location 262: a general description of it would be that the minority that has inherited it has adopted a survival strategy of pausing to check, observe, and reflect on or process what has been noticed before choosing an action. The others pay less attention and are less sensitive to their environments.
Location 265: When sensitive individuals see right away that their situation is like a past one, thanks to having learned so thoroughly from thinking over that last time, they can react to a danger or opportunity faster than others.
Location 323: When you make a decision consciously, you may notice that you are slower than others because you think over all the options so carefully. That’s depth of processing too.
Location 329: but the effort made by the highly sensitive subjects’ brains apparently did not change, regardless of their culture. It was as if they found it natural to look beyond their cultural expectations to how things “really are.”
Location 389: research, reviewed by psychologist Roy Baumeister and his colleagues, has placed emotion at the center of wisdom. One reason is that most emotion is felt after an event, which apparently serves to help us remember what happened and learn from it.
Location 392: Other studies discussed by Baumeister that explore the contribution of emotion to clear thinking find that unless people have some emotional reason to learn something, they do not learn it very well or at all.
Location 405: because I called the trait “high sensitivity,” many have thought the senses are the heart of the trait. (To correct this confusion and emphasize the role of processing, we used “sensory processing sensitivity” as its more formal, scientific designation.) However, this trait is not so much about extraordinary senses—there
Location 409: Again, the brain areas that are more active when sensitive people perceive are those that do the more complex processing of sensory information—not
Location 769: We reflect more on everything. And we sort things into finer distinctions.
Location 774: HSPs tend to be visionaries, highly intuitive artists, or inventors, as well as more conscientious, cautious, and wise people.
Location 856: Of course, we can seem unhappy and moody, at least to non-HSPs, because we spend so much time thinking about things like the meaning of life and death and how complicated everything
Location 862: I know someone is going to say I am trying to make an elite out of us. But that would last about five minutes with most HSPs, who would soon feel guilty for feeling superior. I’m just out to encourage us enough to make more of us feel like equals.
Location 951: HSPs tend to fill that advisor role. We are the writers, historians, philosophers, judges, artists, researchers, theologians, therapists, teachers, parents, and plain conscientious citizens. What we bring to any of these roles is a tendency to think about all the possible effects of an idea. Often we have to make ourselves unpopular by stopping the majority from rushing ahead.
Location 1450: Second, it is often the case that the more your body acts—looks out the window, goes bowling, travels, speaks in public—the less difficult and arousing it becomes. This is called habituation.
Location 1485: We are forced to make choices and set priorities, but being very conscientious, HSPs often put themselves last. Or at least we give ourselves no more time off or opportunity to learn new skills than anyone else. In fact, however, we need more.
Location 1585: Overaroused HSPs tend to substitute “freeze” for the “fight or flight” response.
Location 1598: Part of maturing into wisdom is transferring more and more of your sense of security from the tangible to the intangible containers.
Location 1754: Maybe his sister puts her mouth by Jesse’s ear and screams. Maybe Grandpa takes him and tickles him or tosses him up in the air a few times. Jesse has lost all control over his arousal level. And each howl of Jesse’s brings a fresh rationalization: “He loves it, he loves it—he’s just scared a little.”
Location 1758: The source of your arousal is utterly out of your control.
Location 1769: The bottom line is that in those first years you either learned to trust the other, and the outer world generally, or you didn’t. If you did, your sensitivity remained, but you were rarely threatened into distressing long-term arousal. You knew how to handle it; it seemed under your control. If you asked others to stop doing something, they did. You knew you could trust them to help you rather than overburden you. On the other hand, one way that chronic shyness, anxiety, or social avoidance can begin is if your early experiences did not build that trust. It is not inborn but learned.
Location 1870: It can be just as present in adulthood as you see friends taking on careers, travel, moves, and relationships that you would fear. Yet deep inside you also know you have the same or more talent, desire, and potential.
Location 1974: A study of men who had been shy since childhood (I assume that most were HSPs) found that they married an average of three years later than other men, had their first child four years later, and began a stable career three years later, which in turn tended to lead to lower professional achievement. This could reflect cultural prejudice against shy men or lower self-confidence. It could also indicate the kind of caution and delaying that is healthy for an HSP or the valuing of other things beside family and career—perhaps spiritual or artistic goals. At any rate, if you have been slow to take these steps, you have plenty of company.
Location 2042: Shyness is the fear others are not going to like or approve of us. That makes it a response to a situation. It is a certain state, not an always-present trait. Shyness, even chronic shyness, is not inherited.
Location 2045: Sometime in your past you entered a social situation (usually overstimulating to begin with) and felt that you failed. Others said you did something wrong or did not seem to like you, or you failed to meet your own standards in the situation. Maybe you were already overaroused, having used your excellent imagination to envision all that might go wrong.
Location 2052: HSPs, being more easily aroused, are more likely to enter that spiral. But you were not born shy, just sensitive.
Location 2061: When others are treating you as if you’re shy and afraid, it can be hard to realize that you’ve simply chosen to be alone, at least at first. You are the one rejecting. You are not being rejected.
Location 2099: Social discomfort (the term I prefer to “shy”) is almost always due to overarousal, which makes you act, speak, or appear not very socially skilled.
Location 2255: Whatever advice you read or hear, remember that you do not have to accept how the extraverted three-quarters of the population defines social skills—working the room, always having a good comeback, never allowing “awkward” silences. You have your own skills—talking seriously, listening well, allowing silences in which deeper thoughts can develop.
Location 2471: Our “priestly” influence has declined partly due to our having lost self-respect. At the same time, the professions themselves are losing respect without our quieter, more dignified contribution.
Location 2519: All the voices are strong. Which one is right? If you’re flooded with such voices, you will probably have trouble with decisions of all sorts; very intuitive people usually do. But you’ll need to develop your decision-making skills for whatever vocation you choose.
Location 2626: Perhaps some of what goes wrong in government and politics is not so much a product of the Left or Right but the lack of enough HSPs making everyone pause to check the consequences. We have abdicated, leaving things to the more impulsive, aggressive sorts, who do happen to thrive on running for political office and then on running everything else.
Location 2718: writing down once a week all your latest contributions to your organization, plus any achievements elsewhere in your profession or your life. Be very detailed. At least you’ll be aware of them and more likely to mention them, but if possible, show a summary of these achievements to your supervisor at your next review. If you resist doing this task or a month from now find you still haven’t done it, think deeply about why. Does it feel like bragging? Then consider the possibility that you do your organization and supervisor a major disservice by not reminding them of your value. Sooner or later you’ll feel dissatisfied and want to move on,
Location 2818: HSPs vary more than others in the kinds of arrangements they work out in this area, choosing being single more often than the general population, or firmer monogamy, or close relationships with friends or family members rather than romance. True, this marching to a different love song may be due to HSPs’ different personal histories and needs. But then necessity is the mother of invention.
Location 2876: Often those with insecure attachment styles try very hard to avoid love in order not to be hurt.
Location 3079: Furthermore, your intuition is leaping ahead. In a very real, arousing, semiconscious imaginary world, you are already experiencing various ways the conversation might go, and most of them are distressing. There are two ways to tackle your fears. First, you can become conscious of what you are imagining and imagine other possibilities, too—for example, how it will be after the conflict is cleared up or how it will be if you do not work on the problem. Second, you can discuss with your friend or partner what you are imagining that is keeping you from being more open. Saying something like this is inevitably manipulative: “I would like to talk to you about such and such but cannot if you react by saying such and such.” But it may also take you to deeper issues about how you communicate.
Location 3086: A couple in which one or both are HSPs need to work out some extra ground rules for their most arousing communications, which are usually their arguments. I presume that you already ban name-calling, the muddling of the present conflict with past issues, and the abuse of confidences shared when you were both feeling safe and close. But the two of you might agree on other rules just to handle overarousal. One is taking time out.
Location 3103: Positive metacommunications, however, do the opposite, putting a safe ceiling on how much damage is being done. They sound like this: “I know we are arguing pretty hot and heavy right now, but I just want you to know that I want this to work out. I care about you, and I appreciate your struggling through this with me.” Positive metacommunications are important in all tense moments between people. They lower arousal and anxiety by reminding those involved that they do, or could, care for each other and that things will probably work out.
Location 3143: To start with a somewhat silly example to demonstrate the idea of emphasizing the reflection of feelings, your partner might say, “I don’t like the coat you’re wearing.” In this exercise, aimed at emphasizing the feeling, you would say, “You really dislike this coat.” You don’t say, “You really dislike this coat,” which emphasizes the coat as though you’re asking what’s wrong with it. And you don’t say, “You really dislike me wearing this coat,” which focuses on yourself (usually defensively). But silly examples can lead to much more. Your partner responds to your reflection of these feelings by saying, “Yes, that coat always makes me think of last winter.” Here there aren’t many feelings—yet. So you wait. Your partner says, “I hated living in that house.” You emphasize the feelings again: “It was pretty bad there for you.” Not “why?” Not, “I tried to get us out of there as soon as I could.” And soon you may be hearing things about last winter you never knew about before. “Yes, I realize now that I never was so alone, even with you in the same rooms with me.” Things that need to be discussed. That’s where the reflection of the other’s feelings can lead, as opposed to focusing on facts or your own feelings. THE DON’TS: 1. Don’t ask questions. 2. Don’t give advice. 3. Don’t bring up your own similar experiences. 4. Don’t analyze or interpret. 5. Don’t do anything else that is distracting or not reflecting the person’s feeling experience. 6. Don’t lapse into a very long silence, letting the other do a monologue. Your silence is the “listening” half of reflective listening. When timed right, silence gives the other the space to go deeper. But also keep reflecting what has been said. Use your intuition in the timing of these two. 7. And no matter what the other says, don’t defend yourself or give your view of the matter. If you think it’s necessary, you can emphasize afterward that your listening did not mean you agreed.
Location 3176: My husband and I did research that uncovered another way of increasing satisfaction. In several studies of married and dating couples, we found that the pairs felt more satisfied with their relationships if they did things together that they defined as “exciting”
Location 3180: an HSP especially, it may seem that life is too stimulating already and when you come home you want quiet. But be careful not to make your relationship so soothing that you do not do anything new together.
Location 3478: And if you know someone who has truly managed to abandon the ego, such a person so glows with spirituality that you cannot help but want to do the same. But a charismatic glow is no guarantee. It may simply reflect a quiet, stress-free, well-disciplined life—rare enough in these times.
Location 3616: Obviously the bottom line is that you are often more aroused than the average patient. Even assuming your health professional is smart enough not to treat your arousal as a nuisance or a sign of disturbance, it still makes things more difficult. For example, your ability to communicate your thoughts decreases.
Location 3798: But if HSPs are apt to run out of serotonin, I do have to wonder what is causing what. There seems to be the assumption that we’re less dominant because we may be low on serotonin. But maybe in some cases at least it’s a sense of being flawed, of being low in the dominance hierarchy, that reduces our serotonin. Could a low serotonin level and depression and all the rest arise from stress due to HSPs being “put down” in this culture?
Location 4068: I enjoy dressing nicely but usually make do with what others have bought for me. Because the real problem in both cases is that I cannot stand to shop. There are so many things to overstimulate and confuse me. Plus I must come to a final decision. All of these—the, sensory stimulation, the practical issues, and the decisions—are usually very difficult for an introverted intuitive.

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The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You, Elaine N. Aron (68%) #77