Boundaries Notes

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Notes

• Boundaries, pg(s): 61, 179, 186-193, 221-222
• It takes wisdom to know what is our responsibility and what isn't.
• Boundaries are mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual property lines for our lives.
• Many clinical psychological symptoms are rooted in conflicts with boundaries.

What Does Boundaries Look Like?

• Boundaries define where your ownership end and where someone's begins.
• Ownership and responsibility leads to freedom.
• We are responsible to others burdens/ boulders (what they cannot do for themselves/ crises) and for our own load/ knapsacks (our individual responsibilities).
• Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. They are fences with gates, not walls.
• The word "no" is a basic boundary-setting word that lets others know that you are in control of you. If you cannot say no, then you have lost control of your property.
• Physically removing yourself from a situation not only establishes a boundary, but may also cause the one who is left behind to experience the loss of the relationship and may change behavior.
• Forgive, but guard your heart until you see true repentance.
• We need a support system to provide strength and love.
• We have a basic need for relationships as well as others to provide new input and teachings. We were not made to go through life alone.
• Our boundaries should come with consequences (barb-wire for our fences) to let others know we are serious and that we respect ourselves.

Our responsibilities for our souls +++

• Feelings: come from the heart and can tell you the state of a relationship, either things are good or things are bad.

• Attitudes: your orientation toward something or the stance you take with others.

• Beliefs: anything that you accept as true.

• Behaviors: the law of sowing and reaping, either rewards or consequences.

• Choices: the fruit of self-control. We are in control of our choices.

• Values: the things we love and assign importance to.

• Limits: our exposure to poor behaviors in others and internal regulators (self-control without repression).

• Resources and Gifts: are our responsibility and we must confront our fear of using them.

• Thoughts:

  • We must own our own thoughts.
  • We must grow in knowledge and expand our minds.
  • We must clarify distorted thinking.

• Desires: are made from God, but we must seek them in Him. We must understand ourselves and what we really need.

• Love: the greatest gift from God. Our heart allows the inflow and outflow of love, and is exercised by trust.

Types of Boundaries ++++

• Skin: our physical bodies.
• Words: our words need to be clear and spoken in love.
• Truth: honest communication, with yourself and others.
• Physical Space: space for nourishment or limit setting.
• Emotional Distance: space to rebuild trust and/ or heal.
• Time: having time for yourself.
• Other People: a support group.
• Consequences: communicate consequences when boundaries are violated.

Boundary Problems

• Functional boundaries: a person's ability to complete a task, project, or job. Based on performance, discipline, initiative, and planning.
• Relational boundaries: the ability to speak truth to others we are in a relationship with.

Compliants (Saying Yes to the Bad): Can't Say No +++

• For children to feel safe and protected from evil (controlling, manipulative, exploitative) people and temptations, they need to learn to express their "no".
• They go along to get along.
• They blend in with their environment to the point you cannot find their identity.
• They have a hard time recognizing evil.
• Fear prevents them from saying no.
• They have a harsh conscience that creates guilt.
• God desires compassion (from inside out), not sacrifice/ resentful (outside in).
• Feels guilty and/or controlled by others.
• Can't set boundaries.

Avoidants (Saying No to the Good): Can't Hear Yes +++

• They withdraw when they are in need and don't ask for help or support.
• They confuse boundaries as walls instead of fences. Fences allows boundaries to "breathe", letting the good in while keeping the bad out.
• They have a hard time opening up to God and others.
• Can also be compliant having reverse boundaries.
• Sets boundaries against receiving care of others.

Controllers (Not Respecting Others' Boundaries): Can't Hear no +++

• They have no respect for limits.
• They cannot hear no, they see it as a challenge to change one's mind.
• They project their responsibilities (knapsacks) onto others to control them, rather than taking responsibility for themselves.
• They are undisciplined and unable to have delayed gratification.
• They do not take responsibility for their own lives.
• They are isolated, threatening or manipulating people to love them or they would be abandoned.
• Aggressively or manipulatively violates boundaries of others.

• Types of controllers:

  • Aggressive Controllers: unaware of others boundaries and attempt to get others to change, to fit into their idea of the way life should be.
  • Manipulative Controllers: persuade, seduce, or use guilt messages to get people out of their boundaries by getting them to say yes. Compliants and avoidants can also be controlling by displaying passive manipulative behavior.

Non-responsives (Not Hearing the Needs of Others): Can't Say Yes +++

• They lack the responsibility to care or help others (within their limits), even when they have the resources.
• Sets boundaries against responsibility to love.

• Types of non-responsives:

  • Those who ignore the needs of others.
  • Those who are self-absorbed in their own needs that they exclude others (a form of narcissism).

How Boundaries Are Developed

• Learning boundaries should start in childhood. It is a lifelong process.
• Parents are to partner with God, in helping their children discover what God wants for them.

Bonding +++++

• God created us to have a deep need for relationship and attachment with others.
• Love means relationship: the caring committed connection of one individual to another.
• Babies believe that "me and mommy are the same".
• The ultimate goal of Mothers for infants are to build security with emotional object constancy (the child's internal sense of belonging and safety, even in the absence of mother).

Separation and Individuation and Phases for developing boundaries ++++++++++++++++++

• Once infants gain internal safety and attachment, the next need is for autonomy and independence (separation and individuation).
• Separation: child's ability to perceive oneself as distant from Mother (not-me experience).
• Individuation: child's ability to develop their own identity (me experience).
• You can't have me until you first discover not me (you must determine who you are not before determining who you are under God).

Hatching (5 - 10 months) ^^^

• The child realizing that "me and mommy are not the same".
• The process of having interest in and exploring the outside world, but still relying on Mother.
• Still needs bonding and emotional safety, while exploring.

Practicing (10 -18 months) ^^^

• The child realizes they can do anything.
• The child gains energy and omnipotence. They begin to walk and talk.
• Parents should match the child's energy and omnipotence with safe limits (being firm, consistent and realistic), to allow the child to practice.
• Child can understand and respond to the word no. For them, this determines if saying no has good or bad results.

Rapprochement (18 months - 3 years) ^^^

• The child realizes they can't do everything.
• The child reunites with Mother realizing the world is a scary place, but the reunion is now different because their are now two identities in this relationship. The child can relate to the outside world without losing their sense of self.
• Children set boundaries by anger, ownership, and saying no.
• Anger lets us know there's a problem that need to be confronted.
• Ownership allows us to own our responsibilities.
• Saying no separates us from things we don't like. It gives us the power to make choices and protects us.
• Children should feel safe to say no, without fear of love loss.
• Children should also respect others no.
• This phase repeats itself during adolescent and young adult years.
• Child should be autonomous.
• They should respect your no as well as you respect theirs. Pick your battles.

• Process to discipline:

  • First infraction: redirect the child to a safer alternative.
  • Second infraction: tell them no and state the consequence.
  • Third infraction: administer the consequence (i.e. time-out).
  • Comfort and reconnection: reconnect with child and possibly explain consequences. Let them know they are loved. They are not "bad" but may make "bad decisions."

Pre-K (3 - 5 Years) ^^^

• Children will start to identify and compete with the same-sex parent.
• Parents must guide this gently to ensure children learn to identify with the opposite-sex parent and take on appropriate characteristics.

Latency (6 - 11 Years) ^^^

• Children at this age should learn their responsibilities; doing homework and chores, staying disciplined to get work done, delay gratification, goal orientation, and budgeting of time.

Adolescence (11 - 18 Years) ^^^

• The final step before adulthood.
• They should have developed sexual maturation, their identity, career paths, and love choices.
• At this age, you increase freedoms with responsibility.
• Clarifying house rules and consequences can help with disciplining teens.
• Don't be too strict where you run them away from home.
• Don't be too lenient where they won't respect you.

Boundary Injuries (Character Relating Patterns) +++++++++++

Withdrawal from Boundaries ^^^

• When parents withdraw their love from a child setting limits.
• Parents need to stay connected and not withdraw from child, even when they disagree or are upset. Otherwise they are misrepresenting God because God doesn't pull His love away from us when we make Him upset.
• Withdrawing makes the child feel conditional love (loved when good and unloved when bad).
• Children become compliant and lose their identity.
• Parents withdrawing makes the child feel responsible for parent's feelings.
• Children will be afraid to set boundaries due to fear of isolation or abandonment.

Hostility against Boundaries ^^^

• When parents become angry at the child trying to separate.
• Punishing a child for being independent will lead to hurt and resentment.
• Children should be allowed to make a choice and take responsibility for their actions. Consequences teaches discipline.
• Hostility and harsh punishment creates a compliant child to avoid the parents wrath.

Overcontrol ^^^

• When parents are too strict and do not allow the child room to make mistakes.
• Children become dependent, have a hard time setting and keeping boundaries, and taking risks.

Lack of Limits ^^^

• When parents set no boundaries or limits, and provide consequences for child's actions.
• Children become aggressively controlling, thinking the world revolves around them. The sooner they respect boundaries, the less harsh the consequences will be in the future.

Inconsistent Limits ^^^

• When parents send conflicting messages to the child on their limits.
• This can mainly be die to alcoholism.
• Children never feel safe in such a relationship and constantly have their guard up.
• They are confused on what are and aren't their responsibility.

Boundary Injuries (Non-Character Relating Patterns) +++++++++++

Trauma ^^^

• An intensely painful emotional experience.
• Can be in the form of abuse, illness, or severe loss.
• Can shake up the child's foundation of feeling safe and feeling control over their own lives.
• Victims must be surrounded by loving people in order to be healed.

Our Own Character Traits ^^^

• When our personalities and character traits can contribute to our own boundary problems.
• More aggressive individuals face boundaries with confrontation, while less aggressive individuals shy away from boundaries.

Our Own Sinfulness ^^^

• When our sinful nature resist against God.

Ten Laws of Boundaries

1. The Law of Sowing and Reaping +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

   • The law of cause and effect. Natural consequences.
   • Codependents interrupt the process/ rescue the individual from reaping the consequences.
   • Confronting individuals only brings yourself pain, allowing consequences brings them pain.
   • Sow and Reap the Reality of Rewards or Consequences.
   • Balance the following: Freedom = Responsibility = Consequences = Love.
   • Balance between: Grace (unmerited favor) and Truth (structure).

2. The Law of Responsibility +++++++++++++++++++++++++

   • We love by being responsible for ourselves and responsible to others.
   • Give to needs and put limits on sin.
   • Take ownership of your responsibilities.
   • See Responsibility List to see what you should take ownership of.

3. The Law of Power ++++++++++++++++

   • Things we do have power to do:

   • To confess (agree with the truth about your problems).

   • To submit our inability to God.

   • To search and ask God and others to reveal what are within your boundaries.

   • To repent (turn from the evil within you).

   • To humble yourself and ask God and others to help meet your developmental needs.

   • To seek forgiveness in those we injured.

• You cannot change others. You can only change yourself and influence others. You can change how you interact with others.
• Have self-control.
• Make a choice.
• Have power over yourself not others.
• Know your limits.
• Adapt to what you cannot change.
• Accept reality.

4. The Law of Respect ++++++++++++++++++

   • Respect others boundaries and their no.
   • When we respect others boundaries, we respect our own as well as others respecting our boundaries.
   • Respecting boundaries allows people to have the freedom of choice, not compliance.
   • Respect limits and rules.

5. The Law of Motivation +++++++++++++++++++++

   • What motivates you to give.
   • We should do things out of love, not fear (of abandonment, anger, loneliness, or losing yourself), guilt, payback, approval or overidentification.
   • Give in freedom, this results in gratitude and a love for others.
   • Freedom first, service second.

6. The Law of Evaluation +++++++++++++++++++++

   • Difference between hurt (things that don't feel good) and harm (things that are bad/ unhealthy for us).
   • Evaluate the pain in others caused by our choices and empathize with them.
   • Turn pain from hurt into love.
   • Accept pain (from hurt) to grow in character.
   • Pain of staying the same or not changing is greater than the pain of changing or doing something different.

7. The Law of Proactivity (Internal) +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

   • Gain assertiveness, and avoid being passive and compliant.
   • The reacting stage is necessary to express/ own your emotions and to find your boundaries, but it is not sufficient for establishing boundaries.
   • Power isn't something you demand, it's something you express (through love).
   • Respond rather than react.
   • Be proactive (solving the problem) instead of reactive (identifying the problem).
   • Stand by what you love, want, purpose and value and not by what you hate or are against.

8. The Law of Envy +++++++++++++++

   • Difference between envy (want what others have) and desire (want what you value).
   • Envy guarantees to keep us dissatisfied, leaving us to feel empty and unfulfilled.
   • Instead of focusing on what others have; either appreciate what you do have or determine what you are lacking and how you can improve.
   • Avoid entitlement (when you think something is owed to you) and show gratitude (when we freely received something).

9. The Law of Activity (External) ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

   • Become active not passive, as passive can be a form of evil.
   • We are to be assertive, active, and take initiative (ask, seek, knock) as they will define our boundaries. Do not be lazy.
   • God's grace covers our failures, but not our passivity.
   • Go after your goals.
   • Do not be fearful of failing, closeness, or conflict.
   • Take risks.
   • Closed mouths don't get fed.
   • Difference between passive (not taking initiative) and dependency (need assistance) and patience (waiting for appropriate opportunity).
   • Difference between activity (taking initiative) and self-sufficiency (doing everything on your own).

10. The Law of Exposure +++++++++++++++++++

    • Boundaries need to be exposed to those you love or are in relationship with, no passive aggressive boundaries.
    • Exposure allows love and communication, and prevents resentment and passivity.
    • Boundaries will affect us whether we communicate them or not.
    • Our boundaries are to be visible or in the light. Open to others and not hiding our fears in darkness where the devil has opportunity.
    • Openly and directly communicate your boundaries (your property line).
    • Be loving, transparent (telling what is not asked) and honest (telling what is asked).
    • Preserve relationships.

Common Boundary Myths

Myth 1: Setting Boundaries Are Selfish +++

• Selfishness: fixation on our own desires to the exclusion of our responsibility to love others.
• Stewardship: to manage someone else's property.
• God focuses on meeting our needs first, before giving the desires of the heart.
• We are responsible for meeting our own basic needs.
• Be a good steward over your soul. Protect God's investment (yourself) from things that are harmful to us.

Myth 2: Boundaries Are a Sign of Disobedience +++

• Lack of boundaries produces compliance on the outside and resentment on the inside.
• God is concerned with our hearts and we should say yes out of love, not fear. Love cannot be present in fear.

Myth 3: Getting Hurt by Setting Boundaries +++

• We cannot control how others respond to our boundaries.
• Boundaries test the quality of the relationship.
• Those who love the truth and respect our boundaries will love our wills, opinions, and separateness.
• Those who hates limits and don't respect our boundaries don't love our no, they only love our compliant yes.
• Remember to be connected to those who love you unconditionally, to prepare you for others resistance against your boundaries. Do not alienate yourself.

Myth 4: Hurting Others by Setting Boundaries +++

• Boundaries are a defensive tool, not an offensive one.
• Boundaries don't control, attack, or hurt anyone. They protect our treasures.
• Setting boundaries allows others to step up and take responsibility for their own needs.
• Having a support group helps us receive a no because we always have someone else to go to.

Myth 5: Boundaries Mean I Am Angry +++

• Emotions or feelings have a function, they are an internal signal.

  • Fear = move away from danger.
  • Sadness = the loss of something; relationship, opportunity, etc.
  • Anger = move forward to confront the threat.

• Anger is necessary because it tells us our boundaries were violated.

• Anger is normal when setting boundaries; but as you mature the less you become angry as you can see the evil coming before your boundaries are violated.

Myth 6: Others Boundaries Injures Me +++

• Inappropriate boundaries during childhood can cause injury.
• We can project our injuries onto others.
• Unable to receive someone's boundary can reveal our dependency to them.
• Unable to accept others boundaries can reveal our lack of responsibility.

Myth 7: Boundaries Cause Feelings of Guilt +++

• Feelings of obligation can prevent us from setting boundaries.
• Boundaries and gratitude are separate.

• Determine the motive of the giver:

  • If they are satisfied with your gratitude, then they gave you a true gift (with no strings attached).
  • If they are hurt or angry by your gratitude, then they gave you a loan.

Myth 8: Boundaries Are Permanent +++

• You are in control of your boundaries.
• Boundaries can always change or be negotiated once your in a safe place.

Boundary Conflicts

• For each of these, see Ten Laws of Boundaries and Resolution of Boundary Problems.

Boundaries and Your Family +++

• Signs of a Lack of Boundaries:

  • Someone in the family has the power to affect your relationship with others.
  • The spouse feels like they come second.
  • Parents who continue to provide for an adult child.
  • Children who wish not to separate from the family.
  • Triangulation.
  • Parents who have children as codependents (they need their children to take care of them).
  • Helping an irresponsible sibling.

• We must be aware of old family patterns and see if they violate boundaries.

• Children are under the authority of their parents until they become adults. Once adults, we move into another parental relationship with God as the Father.

• Forgiving other means canceling a debt they owe you. Grief the loss of that debt.

• The difference between responding and reacting is choice. When you react, others are in control. When you respond, you are in control.

Boundaries and Your Friends +++

• Types of conflicts:

  • Compliant/ Compliant
  • Compliant/ Aggressive Controller
  • Compliant/ Manipulative Controller
  • Compliant/ Non-responsive

• Friendships aren't built off of commitments, but out attachments.

• Choice and commitment are elements of a good friendship.

• Love leads to commitment and willful decisions, not the other way around.

• Having attachment based relationships leads to love.

• The purpose of dating is to experiment if someone complements and are compatible with us. This leads to marriage.

• Dating is not a place for healing from past relationships; support groups, church groups, and therapy are.

• We need to learn to leave home/ family and develop our own sense of values, beliefs, and convictions.

Boundaries and Your Spouse +++

• Duties within a marriage can be based on spouses' individual abilities and interests.
• Each spouse has things they are responsible for within themselves. See Our responsibilities for our souls.
• Communicate and label your feelings.
• Grieve our disappointments when we don't get what we want, but not to punish our spouse. Marriage is about working out conflicts.
• Spouses need time apart (with friends or engaging in hobbies) in order to come back together.
• Submission is the free choice of one party to another.
• Ask, "does your wife have free choice or is she a slave under the law?"
• We all have freedom and grace, as Christ has given to us.
• Every marriage is made up of togetherness and separateness. The key is for both spouses to have a balance of both.
• They both do things on their own, and that creates some mutual longing for the other, and the togetherness creates some need for separateness.
• In a marriage, their should be balance in power, strength, togetherness, sex, etc.
• Boundaries create a mutual balance instead of a split balance.
• Boundaries keep partners accountable through consequences and force the balance to become mutual.
• Boundaries correct imbalance.

Boundaries and Your Children +++

• God's plan, to nurture and develop babies until they're mature enough to go out of God's family, as adults, and multiply His image.

• The church is often described as God's family.

• God is the example of parenting our children.

• Becoming mature mean taking responsibility for our lives. Knowing what you are and are not responsible for.

• Teaching responsibility, limit setting, and delay gratification in early ages makes boundaries more smooth in later ages.

• We are to discipline/ teach our children.

• Positive facets of discipline are:

  • Proactivity
  • Prevention
  • Instruction

• Negative facets of discipline are:

  • Correction
  • Chastisement
  • Consequences

• We learn maturity by getting information, applying it poorly, making mistakes, learning from mistakes, and doing better next time. Our mistakes are our teachers.

• Punishment (payment for wrong) does not leave room to make mistakes. Looks at past behavior.

• Discipline (the law of sowing and reaping) allows us to make mistakes and suffer consequences without the loss of love. Looks to correct future behavior.

• As parents we must consider our children's developmental needs and abilities that are age appropriate. This prevents asking them to do something they can't or avoid asking something they could do.

Boundary Needs of Children ^^^

• Self-protection, to say yes to the good and no to the bad (allowing children to disagree or say no).
• Take responsibility/ ownership of one's own needs and face "safe suffering consequences."
• Have a sense of control and choice.
• Delayed gratification.
• Respect the limits of others (when other people say no). This also helps children to empathize and love others.

Types of Discipline ^^^

• Consequences are intended to increase children's sense of responsibility and control over their lives.
• Consequences must be age-appropriate.
• Consequences must be related to the seriousness of the infraction.
• The goal of boundaries is an internal sense of motivation with self-induced consequences.

Boundaries and Your Work +++

• Work is a part of God's plan, even before the fall.

• People often don't want to take responsibility or ownership at work.

• The boundary problems that occur are:

  • Taking on other people's responsibilities (enabling) and not saying no.
  • Working too much overtime and not having clear boundaries on your work.
  • Not prioritizing what's important and performing excellent work (essentialism).
  • Trying to change/ control a difficult coworker, other than changing/ controlling yourself.
  • Not limiting your exposure to critical attitudes.
  • Transference with authority (not transferring old feelings to new relationships).
  • Expecting work to fulfill your personal needs, you must seek outside relationships for getting those needs met.
  • Allowing our work to follow us home. Let work at work!
  • Not knowing our identity, purpose, and gifts that allow us to do great work or we allow others to define us. Boundaries are where our identity comes from.

• To find work that fits our strengths and passions requires taking risks.

• Find your identity, separate those you're attached too, and follow your desires.

Boundaries and the Digital Age +++

• In the past physical distance separated work space and time from personal space and time. Time and space were natural boundaries.

• With the advances of technology, people can reach you anywhere at anytime.

• We must have proper "gate keepers" to ensure we are using technology and not the other way around.

• Maturity comes from having choices and the ability to use or lose them.

• If something is causing you misery, create a rule to remove it from your life. Preserve the good and prevent the bad.

• Put limits on the use of phones, email, and social media. Not only they prevent misery, they allow you to be more productive.

• Be in control in a way that serves you, your relationships, your life, your mission, and your objectives.

• Digital communication can never replace face-to-face communication.

• In person interaction gives us the ability to use verbal and non-verbal modes of communicating.

• Synchronous communication (communication with no time lag and an instant reply):

  • Face-to-face
  • Video
  • Phone

• Asynchronous communication (communication with time lag and not an instant reply):

  • Email
  • Texting
  • Social Media

• God designed us to connect with people personally. Connecting digitally will not create the love we need when connecting with others.

• Make time for synchronous communication.

Parenting ^^^

• When it comes to parenting, you must know your children.

• Trust and the privilege of privacy are crucial for teens.

• Teens must earn trust in order to gain more freedom.

• You get as much freedom as you can be responsible with and are able to use well.

• Freedom = Responsibility = Love

• You get the amount of freedom that you use with responsibility and responsibility always expresses itself in love. Use your freedom in ways that does not harm yourself and others.

• When privileges are given, it has to be used responsibly, otherwise it will be taken away.

• Ways to navigate digital life boundaries with teens:

  • Discuss the dangers of the internet and to spot suspicious behavior.
  • Talk to them about what content is appropriate.
  • Know their passwords and review their online posts. Ensure they aren't revealing private information.
  • Check their browser history and educate them on click-bait and ads.
  • Use parental software to monitor devices and their usage.
  • If trust is broken, restrict computer to open spaces until trust is regained.
  • Play online games with them to get a sense of how the games are played and who they interact with online.
  • Set limits on screen time.
  • Encourage them to talk to you about anything dangerous or upsetting they encounter online.
  • Enforce limits and consequences when trust is broken.

• Teens should be granted as much privacy they can handle, but if there is suspicious activity or a change in their behavior then exercise your authority to invade their privacy (follow your inner judge and issue a search warrant).

FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) ^^^

• The need to check your device because you feel that you are missing out on something important.

• In the past people didn't have this type of access. You can't miss what you don't know about.

• Even if we knew about it, what are the chances we would travel to or make that event.

• FOMO has a deeper aspect of a dependency issue.

• Resolve FOMO issues by:

  • Engaging with the people you are with.
  • Focus on creating a life of freedom, not being concerned about what others are doing.
  • Set regular times to "unplug".
  • Ask yourself why is this important? Why the FOMO?
  • Train the people in your life to not expect an instant response.

• In reality, we will always miss out on something. You won't be able to have it all or be everywhere at once.

Boundaries and Yourself +++

• Having internal boundaries is the result from having self-control.

• Examples where we can be out of control/ boundary violations:

  • Food: Overeating.

  • Money: Overspending or not properly managing finances.

  • Time:

    • Unrealistic expectations of time.
    • Over-responsibility for the feelings of others.
    • Lack of time management.
    • Rationalizing your lateness.

  • Task Completion:

    • Resistance to structure.
    • Fear of success.
    • Lack of follow-through.
    • Distractability.
    • Inability to delay gratification.
    • Inability to say no to other pressures.

  • Words: Not taking control of what we say.

  • Sexuality: Inability to say no to lust.

• The reasons we can;t say no to ourselves:

  • We are our own enemy or get in our own way.
  • We withdraw from relationships when we need them the most.
  • We try to use willpower to solve our boundary problems.

• Most people think they can overcome their internal issues with will power, but this never works.

• This can also create an issue of will worship, making an idol out of willpower. If we can rely on willpower, then why do we need God?

• We are not to tackle problems on our own. We need to be around a safe community/ have safe relationships to go through life with.

• Roots of self-boundary conflicts:

  • Lack of training.
  • Rewarded for poor behavior.
  • Distorted need.
  • Fear of relationship.
  • Unmet emotional hungers.
  • Being under the law (spiritual guilt).
  • Covering emotional hurt.

• Apply Resolution of Boundary Problems.

  • Address your real need.
  • Allow yourself to fail.
  • Listen to empathic feedback from others.
  • Welcome consequences as your teacher.
  • Surround yourself with people who are loving and supportive.

Boundaries and God +++

• The Bible can be summarized by the relationship of God to people, people to God, and people to each other.

• The greatest commandment being to love God, love yourself, and love your neighbor.

• God respects our boundaries:

  • Leaves work for us to do that only we can do.
  • Allows us to experience consequences so we can have a change of heart.
  • He respects our no, he will not try to control or nag you.

• God gives us the ability to make choices (free will) and when we say no, He still loves us.

• However He also allows us to face the consequences from those choices.

• Saying no to God will lead to painful consequences, but that will allow us the chance to repent and turn to God.

• God wants us to be transparent and vulnerable with Him. That is how true intimacy is created. You can respectfully discuss your anger or frustrations with God.

• We need to respect God's boundaries:

  • God will not always do what we want Him to do. He is free to do whatever He pleases.
  • God's "no" doesn't make Him bad, just like our "no" doesn't make us bad.
  • We do have the ability to respectfully disagree and influence God (based on His Word) to have a change of heart.

• God respects His boundaries:

  • God takes responsibility for His pain. God respects Himself enough to protect His property, His heart.
  • God will remove those who reject Him and find those who love Him.

• Relationship is what the gospel is about.

• Boundaries are inherent in any relationship God has created, for they define the two parties who are loving each other, two parties in unity.

Resistance to Boundaries

Outside Resistance ++++

• Get support from others if their is any physical abuse, threats, or harm.
• Your boundaries will cause discomfort in others.
• Blaming is another character problem, people who don't want to take responsibility.
• Know your limits, what you can and can't give, even for someone who has a legitimate need.

Angry Reactions ^^^^

• People who get angry at others from settings boundaries have a character problem.
• They are not angry at the situation, but angry because they can no longer control you.
• Their anger cannot hurt or get inside you, unless you allow it.
• Do not respond or change stance due to their anger.
• Have a support system to help you deal with an angry person.
• Don't feed off their anger.
• Be prepared to use distance and other limits that enforce consequences.

Guilt Messages ^^^^

• Recognize guilt messages.
• Guilt messages are really anger in disguise.
• Guilt messages hide sadness and hurt.
• If guilt messages work on you, recognize it's your problem, not theirs.
• Do not explain or justify your response, this will not resolve the guilt.
• Be assertive and interpret their messages as being about their feelings. You can empathize with others feelings, but understand it is their feelings.

Consequences and Countermoves ^^^^

• Know the consequences that come from being free.
• What do you gain from not having boundaries? What would you lose if you did have them?
• People who don't want to take responsibility for their own actions have character disorders.
• Know if setting boundaries are worth the risk.
• Decide if you are willing to enforce the consequences before setting boundaries.
• Accept what you may lose from setting boundaries.
• Take action on setting boundaries.
• Find a support group to help you get through the battles.

Forgiveness and Reconciliation ^^^^

• Forgiving does not equate to letting down your boundaries.
• Forgiveness is releasing someone from a debt they owe us. It is the grace we have in our hearts.
• Reconciliation is to make amends, but only after repentance. Trust has to be rebuilt.
• Forgiveness takes one; reconciliation takes two.
• You can forgive multiple times, but you do not have to reconcile if you don't see repentance or a change in direction, to rebuild trust.

Internal Resistance ++++

• We can resist boundaries when we have unmet needs.
• We must take inventory of these unmet needs and go to God with them. Allow Him to work in us so we can be strong enough to the battles from setting boundaries.
• We need to look within ourselves. Responsibility begins with an internal focus of confession and repentance.
• Be rooted and grounded in love in the body of Christ to give you the fuel you need to face your fears of abandonment. It takes love on the inside to task risks on the outside.
• Continue to persevere when facing resistance.

Unresolved Grief and Loss ^^^

• We must grieve and let go of the things that are bad for us. So we can be available for the good things to come.

• Giving up boundaries to get love postpones the inevitable: the realization of the truth about the person, embracing the sadness of that truth, and letting go and moving on with life.

• Own your boundarylessness, it is your problem.

• Realize resistance. Confess that you do not want to set boundaries because you are afraid.

• Seek grace and truth. We need grace from God and others.

• Identify whose love you are going to have to give up if you chose to live.

• Let go. Find support to go through the stages of grief:

  • Denial
  • Bargaining
  • Anger
  • Sadness
  • Acceptance

• Move on with life and see the potential opportunities that await you, since before all your energy was tied up into being abused and controlled.

Steps to Facing the Internal Fears of Anger (Internal Critical Parent) ^^^^

• Realize it is a problem.
• Go talk to someone about it.
• With the help of your support group, find the source of your fear and who the angry/ critical person in your head represents.
• Talk out your feelings on these past issues.
• Practice Resolution of Boundary Problems.
• Don't give up your boundaries, give yourself time.
• When you are ready, enforce boundaries using self-control statements.
• Talk with your support group based on the interaction to stay grounded.
• Continue to practice.

Steps to Facing the Fear of the Unknown ^^^^

• Prayer.

• Read the Bible and memorize Scripture. Keep God's Word and promises in your heart.

• Develop your gifts to gain confidence in your independence.

• Lean on your support group.

• Learn from others.

• Have confidence in your ability to learn. The things you know now, you didn't know before.

• Find someone who can help you work through some unresolved issues of the past.

• Have a structure in place.

  • Internal Structure: know yourself, your core values, beliefs, principles, etc. or who you want to become.
  • External Structure: having a support group.

• Remember what God has done for you. Hope is rooted in memory. The help we remember from the past, gives us hope for the future.

Guilt ^^^^

• Guilt is not a true feeling. It is a state of internal condemnation.
• Our behavior should be motivated by love, not guilt.
• We learn guilt in our early socialization process, as children.
• We need to feel not condemned so that we can feel "Godly sorrow" that looks at the hurt we have caused someone else instead of how "bad" we are.
• Guilt distorts reality and gets us away from the truth and away from doing what is best for the other person.
• No one has the power to "make you feel guilty." If you feel guilty, that is your problem.

• Steps to overcome guilt:

  • Own the guilt.
  • Get into your support system.
  • Begin to examine where the guilt messages come from.
  • Become aware of your anger.
  • Forgive the controller.
  • Practice setting boundaries with your support group.
  • Learn the truth in God's Word.
  • Face the feeling of guilt by doing what you know is right and get support from your support group.
  • Stay connected to your support group.
  • Expect to grieve.

How to Measure Success with Boundaries

• Step 1: Feelings of anger or resentment, our early warning signal that lets us know there is a problem, we're being attacked. A boundary has been violated.
• Step 2: Being attracted to others who are boundary-lovers.
• Step 3: Being connected to others who share the same Biblical values as us. We will never feel alone.
• Step 4: Protect our hearts (the home of our treasures) by receiving love; from both ourselves and from others.
• Step 5: Practice saying "Baby Nos" with your support group to build your confidence while still receiving love.
• Step 6: Rejoice in the guilty feelings, this is a sign that you are applying boundaries.
• Step 7: Practice saying "Grown-up Nos" with the significant people in your life. This takes growth and maturity.
• Step 8: Rejoice in the absence of guilty feelings, this shows that you have grown out of those guilty feelings.
• Step 9: Love the boundaries of others. Loving others' boundaries confronts our selfishness and increase our capacity to care about others.
• Step 10: Feel free to say "no", so you will be free when you say "yes."
• Step 11: The goal of boundaries is to free us up to protect, nurture, and develop the lives God has given us stewardship over. It gives us control over our lives.

Resolution of Boundary Problems

1. What are the symptoms? (Where did you lose control of your property?)
2. What are the roots/ origin of conflict?
3. What is the boundary conflict? (What law of boundaries are being violated?)
4. Who needs to take ownership?
5. What do you need? (Can you find a support system?)
6. How do you begin? (Practice setting limits)
7. How do you set boundaries? (Say no to the bad)
8. What happens next? (Forgive, respond instead of react, love in freedom and responsibility)