This is a fun and interesting project idea, I am intrigued to see what results you find!
The opening could be stronger by actually defining and giving context to what the "Ballmer peak" actually is. The reader is left to gain insight about the definition from the surrounding paragraph.
Is there any information to actually back this up, where does the "popular notion" you speak of actually come from?
Provide more information about what your project is actually about, from the initial paragraph it just seems like you are just going to read research papers and inform decision context based on that. Are you collecting data from these research papers?
Speak more to the "represent our findings in the most truthful way possible", you don't specifically give a reason why that's important.
You should provide justification for why students will be more receptive to your advice because you are also students, is this really true?
Technical
I'm confused about "different from those tracked in the in spreadsheet", what spreadsheet?
You should actually describe the approach you are taking to data collection, I can kind of guess but it's not very clear.
"comparing fun related task completion to work related tasks" <-- expand on why that's a problem.
"one aspect our group lacks is our abilities to extrapolate the data to a more generalized population. This skill deficit, although daunting, can be overcome easily and as a group we will grow from learning how to generalize our data." <-- How? what steps will you take to tackle this hurdle?
Logistics
Describe in more detail the way you will start collecting data, and from where. Maybe list some papers that have done this research before, or places that may be somewhat promising.
Milestones aren't particularly clear.
You should describe more the problem that will arise if you can't find the data!
Project Description
This is a fun and interesting project idea, I am intrigued to see what results you find!
The opening could be stronger by actually defining and giving context to what the "Ballmer peak" actually is. The reader is left to gain insight about the definition from the surrounding paragraph. Is there any information to actually back this up, where does the "popular notion" you speak of actually come from? Provide more information about what your project is actually about, from the initial paragraph it just seems like you are just going to read research papers and inform decision context based on that. Are you collecting data from these research papers? Speak more to the "represent our findings in the most truthful way possible", you don't specifically give a reason why that's important. You should provide justification for why students will be more receptive to your advice because you are also students, is this really true?
Technical
I'm confused about "different from those tracked in the in spreadsheet", what spreadsheet? You should actually describe the approach you are taking to data collection, I can kind of guess but it's not very clear. "comparing fun related task completion to work related tasks" <-- expand on why that's a problem. "one aspect our group lacks is our abilities to extrapolate the data to a more generalized population. This skill deficit, although daunting, can be overcome easily and as a group we will grow from learning how to generalize our data." <-- How? what steps will you take to tackle this hurdle?
Logistics
Describe in more detail the way you will start collecting data, and from where. Maybe list some papers that have done this research before, or places that may be somewhat promising. Milestones aren't particularly clear. You should describe more the problem that will arise if you can't find the data!