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ufjschool / ob-s14

Orange & Blue issue for Spring 2014 -- Energy
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edit "jamesthieke.md" #25

Closed gotoplanb closed 2 years ago

mkreyes commented 10 years ago

Hi James, I randomly chose to edit your story without prior knowledge of what it would be about, so I was pleasantly surprised to discover that I enjoyed your topic. I liked the way you divided the article by religion and talked about each religion's perspective regarding the paranormal. I learned so much new information and wasn't bored at all.

Did you plan to write a conclusion to tie it all together, or were you just going to leave it as is? I think a conclusion would make it more cohesive and allow you to recap the main points. That is the only major criticism I have for you.

Here are some more general things I noticed that you might want to consider editing for the second draft:

  1. The first sentence under "Roman Catholic Christianity" was a little confusing to read. I had to stop and reread it to make sense of it.
  2. Under "Greek Orthodox Christianity" you wrote "judgment of human's soul after death" and I think you meant "judgment of human souls.
  3. Also in the Greek Orthodox paragraph, you wrote "has a certain hierachs". I think the "a" should be removed from that sentence.
  4. Under the "Baptist Protestant Christianity" paragraph, you're missing the word "that" in the second sentence of the fourth paragraph.
  5. My best friend is Jewish, and what I've generally heard from people who practice Judaism is that they don't believe in an afterlife because they are still awaiting the Messiah. I might be wrong though, especially if you spoke to a Rabbi about it. I just wanted to make you aware of this so you can double check if necessary.
  6. You wrote "may have still have" in the last sentence of the second paragraph under "Islam". Just remove a "have" and you'll be good to go!
  7. In the fifth paragraph of "Hinduism", you wrote "you can say you you're agnostic", so you should remove the "you".
  8. In the eighth paragraph, switch "people" and "while".

That's all I can think of right now. You did an amazing job. It's pretty close to perfect, so you won't have much editing to you for your final draft. Thank you for making my job easy, and good luck with the rest! :)

mkreyes commented 10 years ago

Oh, I don't know if I'm supposed to tag you. @jrthieke